Wordless
by Nocturnalux
Summary: Izaya and Shizuo are brutally gangbanged. In the aftermatch of this traumatic event they end up clinging to each other for emotional support. Rather dark fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Pairing:** Shizuo/Izaya

**Prompt: **Gang x Izaya AND Shizuo

**Warning: **NCS, death of OC

* * *

><p>Heiwajima Shizuo did not handle words well. Between their forming in his brain and actually being translated into audible sounds there was a certain muddled confusion that left him mumbling to himself like a demented person whenever he wanted to say something important. It always had been that way. And thus his inner dialogue remained thus, consigned to his mind without an escape valve. At times it was aggravating. At times it added to his anger but more than that it was behind much of it. The trench between himself and others grew wider with each word that he fumbled through without speaking.<br>But somehow it was also business as usual. Part of the usual routine. Incorporated into the routine that made up his life and his person. Shizuo already counted on this handicap and made the best he could out of it. Until a severe disturbance burst apart the fabric of normality. Shizuo thought that there was little he could not handle. He was wrong. The pain was something he was used to but the humiliation had a sting of its own. A lingering one. Through the haze of tears of frustration it was only dimly felt, suffocated under riotous distress but as time went on – as his beaten body cooled and wounds scabbed – the humiliation grew, taking root in his very bones and spreading out with an infectious power.  
>Ironically, it had been Izaya to take care of him. Small and frail bodied Izaya. Somehow Izaya had gathered himself from the bloody mess he had become and tried to haul Shizuo out of the pit of silence. For Shizuo was deadlocked into wordless misery. Unable to at all speak. His tentative grasp on human communication snapped.<br>He now sat slumped on a creaky chair in a seedy waiting room. Izaya had dragged him to Shinra's office to run some tests. A few light bulbs were dead so that Shizuo was in dirty semi-shadow. Shinra glanced at him through the shaded glass portion of the door.  
>"He's just sitting there…"<br>Izaya smiled weakly.  
>"Shizu-chan took it rather hard. The results?"<br>"Negative for STDs but you better come back next month and get tested again. There's an incubation period to these things."  
>Izaya exhaled slowly. One of his eyes was patched up and he kept his jacket zipped up all the way to his chin. Cigarettes burns littered his skin with ugly marks a bit over his body. He kept them hidden along with the bruises and cuts.<br>"I've always wondered why in movies rape victims hardly ever bother getting tested. One would think that it would be the obvious move."  
>"Most aren't thinking straight."<br>Shinra could not help cast another glance at the huddled shape that was Shizuo. Izaya followed it. As much as he could. It was difficult seeing the world with just one eye. There was a perpetual blind spot and it frightened him. He kept jumping at shadows.  
>"He's not talking about it. He's not saying a thing, actually. About anything."<br>"Have you contacted Kasuka?"  
>"Should I?"<br>Shinra was silent.  
>"I'm not sure."<br>"There you go."  
>"Is he eating?"<br>"Barely. I figured that bringing him here would be better than an official hospital."  
>"You were probably right about that."<br>"Is Celty around? Maybe she can help. I'm pretty sure that as long as he's with me, he'll be thinking about it."  
>"She'll be back shortly."<br>Izaya headed for the exit.  
>"You're leaving?"<br>"I want to be alone."  
>Izaya stepped into the neon drowned night without as much as looking at Shizuo on his way out. He did not want his company. Being around Shizuo was living in the trail of what Izaya termed as 'the incident'. Izaya had thought it through and even written down every single detail of what happened, from the kidnapping, to the drugging, to the torture and rape. He omitted no single fact, not even minor things like the smashed logos in the abandoned garage or the dead scent of gasoline hanging in the stale air. Izaya did not do it to dwell on the subject but to expunge it from his mind as one would do with poison before it could take a hold of the heart.<br>It had not worked. But the effort attested to his tenacity to survive emotionally.


	2. Chapter 2

Even now, afraid as he was to walk the streets of Ikebukuro, he still did so because if he ran away he would keep on running, running, running into ever smaller places, until he was the one sealing himself shut from the world. But he kept to the busiest streets and had invested in a complicated set of locks behind which he barricaded himself in his apartment that felt disturbingly large. With many places where an ambush could spring from and these were multiplied by the field of darkness that claimed half of his vision.  
>Izaya reached his home and immediately checked the motion detector to see if someone was spying on him. It was paranoia but still, he reflected, it was considerably better than Shizuo's horrible state of blank apathy. Apparently Shizuo was not afraid of another attack but only because he seemed utterly absent from the here and now. It bothered Izaya considerably.<br>He shuffled to his laptop. The pixels moved like cannibalizing dots of light on the screen. Relying on one eye alone explained the visual distortion and the sense of vertigo but knowing the reason behind it did not alleviate the feeling of nausea that he experienced. His eye would heal in time or so he was told. Izaya counted himself lucky to be alive. Rumors about the incident were rife online. Izaya ignored them altogether.  
>Instead he found himself reading articles on the psychological effects of sexual assault. Halfway through the third he realized that he was investigating ways of helping Shizuo. At which point he abandoned the laptop and drank some tea before heading to bed. He hesitated then took a few sleeping pills. Sleep had become troublesome. It only arrived when he was too exhausted to resist it and it carried a host of nightmares inserted in recent memory. Izaya razed them into white noise and complete darkness with chemical aids.<br>He winced as he undressed. A mirror coldly returned to him the purple pattern of bruises, burns and cuts- blemished that marked his body. He shivered, suddenly very cold. Eye patches were only sexy in fiction. Izaya hurried to bed, checked the motion detectors again and turned on the flat screen television on some random channel. It did not matter, he simply did not want to tumble into sleep completely alone with the ghost of fears only to keep him company. Even the all too happy go lucky phonies on the screen were better. He could just close his eyes – technically one of which was always closed but his mind did not processed it that way – and let the jumble of word lull him to sleep.

Shizuo stared at the PDA in front of him. The characters did not mean anything to him even though he recognized them. But the meaning contained in such symbols was currently obliterated. Celty switched to hiragana but it did not help. After a few more moments of awkwardness from Shinra and Celty's part – Shizuo was past such things – there was nothing left but for him to go bury himself in his apartment. It was only half past ten but he felt like he was deep in the trenches of a long night. The dark had a depth to it that the shallow lights could not reach, they merely bounced off the empty surface as nothing but indistinct blurs.  
>There was nothing waiting him at home. Except for a bowl of greasy and soggy noodles that Tom kept leaving for him. Shizuo had not spoken to his friend but Tom could not have failed to notice that something was absolutely amiss. After all Shizuo was in no condition to work. He might very well end up killing someone.<br>Shizuo tried to think but gave up altogether all too soon. He chugged down a few pills to help him sleep. Shizuo was bogged down by a feeling of defensive numbness. He was vaguely aware that Izaya had done him a favor by getting him tested but whenever Izaya flitted into his muddled mental landscape Shizuo felt a stab of pain that bordered on physical repulse.  
>But not because he hated Izaya. It was simply that Izaya reminded him of everything he so desperately wanted to forget. Shizuo wondered if Izaya's eye would ever properly heal and chewed on a few more pills to avoid having to think about it. He wanted the world to dissipate so that he could sink into a great hole and never be plagued by his stained memories.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Shizuo crawled under the sheets. Pulling them over his head and wishing everything away.

"Orihara-san! Hello."  
>It was a bit startling for Izaya to peer through the peephole with his only working eye but despite the cameras that informed him that it was indeed Kida Masaomi on the other side of his door – and the fact that he recognized the voice immediately – Izaya could not resist the extra reassurance. Even if it gave him a headache.<br>Kida waited a while longer as several locks were removed.  
>"Hi there. Glad you could make it."<br>Kida was just the right person to see. Someone who would not fret about him or look sorry at his ordeal. And surely Kida said nothing about the eye patch and if he noticed the fretful attitude on Izaya's part, which he did, he kept a tactful silence. Kida knew the gist of what had happened and that was all the more reason to say nothing about it.  
>"You have such a great place! Swivel chair and all!"<br>"Only I get to spin on that baby."  
>"So selfish."<br>"Sue me."  
>"How do you feel about a game of <em>go<em>?"  
>"As long as you are ready to lose."<br>Kida set the board but before he could assemble any pieces Izaya placed something on the flat surface.  
>"Take that. It's for you."<br>Kida unfurled the newspaper covered object and was not even surprised at finding a gun. Smooth cold metal.  
>"Orihara-san, this is a bit…"<br>"It's unloaded. Here's some ammo, I trust you know where to find more."  
>He slid a few cartridges across the board.<br>"I've never shot one of these…"  
>"It's easy. Remove the security like this, aim, squeeze the trigger."<br>"Are you sure I can keep this?"  
>"Yes. Don't get caught with it."<br>Kida chuckled and placed it in a pocket.  
>"And if I do you never met me."<br>"Precisely."

Tom knocked softly on the door. Then forcibly. No answer. But he was sure that Shizuo was home since he did not budge much from the by now dusty apartment. Tom had his own key.  
>"Shizuo?"<br>Tom had to turn on the lights even though it was broad daylight. Sunlight barely made it through the shutters, adding to the claustrophobic atmosphere.  
>"I got you breakfast."<br>Tom found Shizuo propped on a futon. Tom did not care for he vacant manner in which Shizuo seemed to simply occupy space without reacting. Silence stretched for miles in the tiny room. Tom removed the food items from the bag and placed right in front of Shizuo.  
>"Here. Try eating some, okay?"<br>Shizuo obeyed mechanically. Only now did Tom notice piles of ash strewn a bit all over the place. Not so much as if Shizuo had not bothered with ashtrays but as if he did not even smoke but let the cigarettes burn unattended. And true enough, Tom spotted faint burns on Shizuo's fingers.  
>"Shizuo, you'll burn down the place one of these days. You've got to snap out of it."<br>No reply. Tom stayed until Shizuo was done eating and then had to hurry back to work.

The doorbell interrupted the quiet in Izaya's large apartment but it did not startle him. A set of cameras informed him that Mairu was the one on the other side of the door. Officially Izaya was away on a trip, he had no desire to meet his sisters until his eye was properly healed, but clearly Mairu did not buy that story. She tried the lock and frowned as her key did not work.  
>"Onii-chan, I know you're there so open the door already!"<br>Izaya did not move. He was tempted to put on some headphones. Mairu pounded the door and gave it a few kicks.  
>"Why did you change the lock? What's going on?"<br>Her voice hitched and Izaya did not even need the cameras to know that she was sliding to the floor, stifling a sob.  
>"Mairu, I'm fine. I just can't meet you guys at the moment."<br>"You're not fine. I know about the rumors online…"  
>"Don't tell your sister."<br>"That's 'our sister'. And I won't, I'm not stupid. But don't do this. Talk to us, okay? Kururi will get worried."  
>Izaya took a deep breath. Knowing that he could not bring himself to open the door and let her see how broken he was.<br>"I'm sorry. I need- some time."  
>"You can at least give us a call."<br>"I'll do that."  
>Mairu got up and adjusted her skirt.<br>"Good."  
>"By the way, shouldn't you be in school?"<br>"I skipped class."  
>"So typical."<br>Izaya found himself smiling despite himself.  
>"Don't forget that we're here for you. You're not alone."<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Shizuo was staring at a wall. In his own muddled way he tried to think about what had happened to him. But as soon as the memory reached the critical point, he was attacked by something of a paroxysm and rendered into deeper prostration.  
>"Shizu-chan?"<br>The rapping at the door barely qualified as a knot. Izaya's voice sounded on the other side of the world. Shizuo had no intention of opening. And then he remembered Izaya's eye. Guilt moved him to pull the chain.  
>"Hi there. Can I come in?"<br>Izaya looked almost apologetic. He stood in the threshold with a pale smile, hands stuck in his pockets, hiding inside his cozy fur jacket. Shizuo unblocked the way and Izaya took it for unvoiced acceptance. He lined his shoes neatly at the entrance and looked around at the dusty dim apartment. It depressed him considerably but Izaya was bent on seeing this through. He had decided to visit on something of a whim, now that he was here he better understand his own motivation. Handling Shizuo was far from pleasant but it was a welcome distraction from the nagging anxiety eating at Izaya's peace of mind.  
>"Did you know that studies correlate- that means link together- depression and cluttering? It's true. Which means that I'll be giving this place a thorough sweep. Alright? Don't go killing me now. I won't throw things away without asking you."<br>Izaya knew that Tom dropped by fairly regularly but there were still many plastic bags in odd corners. He waited until Shizuo gave him a curt nod to put on some plastic gloves, a mask and taking out a broom.  
>"Can I open the windows? The dust will become overwhelming otherwise."<br>Another nod. It confirmed what Izaya already suspected, Shizuo could understand the world around him. Just not interact with it in any productive way. Izaya put the plastic bags aside and swept the floor. He was surprised at finding Shizuo using a mini vacuum cleaner to help him.  
>"Thanks."<br>They worked in silence, tidying up. It was a strange thing but Izaya got used to it fairly quickly. When they were done Izaya turned to the bags. As he thought they were filled with garbage and he could throw it out. Ashtrays had to be emptied and cleaned, dishes needed to be washed. The futon was put to air by the window. Normality had to be reestablished. Even if Izaya being in Shizuo's place was already abnormal by definition. Izaya found some green in a cupboard and made them some.  
>"There you go, nice and warm."<br>Shizuo transferred his dull gaze to the cup.  
>"Ah, there is nothing like Japanese tea."<br>"…sorry."  
>Izaya blinked. Unsure that he had not imagined it.<br>"Shizu-chan?"  
>"About your eye. Sorry."<br>"Oh, that! No worries. It will heal in due time."  
>Shizuo finally stole a glance at Izaya, the first in this odd interview. His shoulders seemed to relax as if a great burden had been lifted. Izaya was somewhat puzzled.<br>"I'm glad."  
>"How about I fix us some food? Or do you want to go out?"<br>Shizuo returned to his non-responsive ways but Izaya felt surprisingly cheered up. As he expected helping someone out of the pits was a great way of improving one's mood.  
>"Big men like you must burn a lot fuel. So you need plenty of food. Got to feed that muscle mass of yours since you are Ikebukuro's strongest man."<br>Shizuo was silent for a long, long time. So long that Izaya was sure that he was on mute mode for good. He was about to say something or other when Shizuo interrupted him.  
>"Not anymore."<br>Izaya poured them both more tea.  
>"Well, you are Heiwajima Shizuo. You can pick me up easily-"<br>"Doesn't matter. I couldn't- couldn't do anything."  
>Shizuo's grip on the cup became shaky until pieces of china exploded as he made a fist. Tea splashed all over the place and Izaya busied himself cleaning it, a bemused passing thought flitting through his mind that he would make a wonderful housewife one of these days.<br>"Shizuo, look at me."  
>It was with great difficulty that Shizuo complied. It hurt seeing Izaya with the eyepatch.<br>"There was nothing you could do. Or anyone else, for the matter."


	5. Chapter 5

"Doesn't matter. At least I should've been able to protect you-"  
>"Oy, oy, what's this 'protect me' talk? You don't really have an obligation to do that. Life isn't shounen manga, it's impossible to go around protecting everyone and their pets. That's not the way the real world works."<br>More brooding silence.  
>"I'm afraid I am not too good at cheering up people. Then again, keep in mind that a lot of people I talk to end up jumping to their deaths."<br>Shizuo cracked a very timid smile.  
>"It goes like, 'hi there, I'm Orihara Izaya- wait, don't jump! Damn.'"<br>To dissolve some of the heaviness of this conversation Izaya used humor. He was scanning the kitchen for food when Tom came in. Izaya was not expecting it and since Tom approached from his blind side he suddenly froze to the spot.  
>"Orihara…?"<br>Tom blinked in amazement at the sparkly clean apartment and bright sunlight as much as at Izaya.  
>"I didn't know you were here."<br>"Hello, Tom-san."  
>Izaya needed a moment to gather himself but he still managed to smile beautifully.<br>"I brought Shizuo lunch."  
>"Great, we were about to eat now. I'll order something for myself, then."<br>Tom looked from Izaya to Shizuo again, unsure of what to do. He could not account for Izaya's actions but Shizuo did not seem to mind. In fact, Tom noticed that Shizuo seemed considerably less apathetic.  
>"We can share the food."<br>Tom gasped. It had been a long time since he last heard it but he could recognize Shizuo's voice anywhere.  
>"Are you sure?"<br>A nod.  
>"I brought lunch and dinner so there's enough for the two of you."<br>"Thank you Tom-san! Pork buns!"  
>"I should be going back now."<br>But Tom lingered on, undecided. He did not exactly know if leaving Izaya and Shizuo alone was all that wise. Shizuo settled the matter for him.  
>"See you later, Tom."<br>Izaya busied himself setting the table. They ate in a silence that was almost comfortable.  
>"What do you know, you've got a bunch of Kasuka DVDs. Let's watch one."<br>It amused Izaya that Shizuo had a superb video and a great television set complete with a sound surround system. These were the only expensive items and sat oddly in the poorly furnished apartment. Izaya suspected that it had been a gift but clearly Shizuo cared a lot for his media equipment.  
>Shizuo picked one of his favorite movies. He suspected that none of them would impress Izaya much but it did not matter. They needed time and a distraction. Fictional stories of the highly artificial kind served the purpose by applying a certain layer of glossy indifference to life. Through it they could both disconnect in a safe way. A temporary exit.<br>But halfway through an unintentionally funny scene in which Kasuka delivered some flat lines about love while bombs burst in the background, Izaya winced and rubbed his temples in slow circles. Shizuo noticed it immediately.  
>"You okay?"<br>"Fine and dandy. It's just that watching TV makes my head hurt after a while."  
>Shizuo turned off the television and reached out to pat Izaya's head, faltering in the end. Izaya failed to notice because of his blind side and because his good eye was hurting slightly.<br>"Anything I can do?"  
>"Just staying in the dark for a while makes it go away."<br>Izaya smiled brilliantly and gave him a thumbs up. Shizuo pulled down the shutters and turned off the light. For a while they sat like that in tight silence.  
>"You don't have to smile all the time. If you don't feel like it."<br>"Aye. Sorry."  
>Izaya was suddenly rather sleepy. He could not tell how Shizuo could possibly know but an extra futon was placed next to him.<br>"Rest a bit."  
>Izaya allowed himself to relax. He kept seeing afterimages behind his eyelids, it was dizzying and he was glad that he was lying down otherwise the feeling of vertigo was too sickening to bear.<br>"This thing with TVs…it also happens with computers?"  
>"Pixels are hell, I tell you. Always moving…we just don't notice it normally…but if you watch a computer from afar you'll see…that the image is never still…"<br>Izaya droned on as sleep stole upon him. In the darkness Shizuo could softly run his fingers through Izaya's hair. He knew full well that to Izaya computer work, which was vague enough a concept to Shizuo, was something that he needed in his daily life.


	6. Chapter 6

Shizuo did not want to consider it any further but he could not help feeling very sorry for Izaya. He wondered just how someone so tiny and apparently frail managed to cope against all odds. Somehow, Izaya was pulling through. Shizuo did not resent it. Instead he found himself admiring him. Izaya slept so quietly that Shizuo almost checked his pulse. He looked considerably smaller and without his flexible smooth ways Shizuo could see a certain strain.  
>Shizuo hesitated a bit then placed a teddy bear next to Izaya. It was a childhood token, one of the few he had kept. Izaya cuddled with the fuzzy toy without waking up. Shizuo watched him and smiled faintly. He could not understand how Izaya managed it. Throughout the whole ordeal Izaya had never lost it. No amount of taunting, pain or humiliation seemed to knock him down. Of course Izaya had been petrified, that much Shizuo had managed to gather even through his own private horror but Izaya's mind narrowed its scope to a single priority: endure and survive. Shizuo did not yet have the courage to ask anything about this. But he did watch him slumber and was there when Izaya woke up a few hours later.<br>Izaya rubbed his eyes then recalled the eye patch and then jumped as he realized he was in unknown territory. For a split second he could not breathe, sure that he was blind.  
>"Hey, Izaya. You okay?"<br>"It's you. Sorry, got scared here for a bit. I've been having problems sleeping."  
>"Yeah, same here. Can I turn on the lights?"<br>"Sure."  
>Izaya picked up the teddy as soon as he could see again.<br>"Is this yours?"  
>"You looked kinda lonely."<br>"Heh, I was not planning on falling asleep. What time is it?"  
>"Half past seven."<br>"So late."  
>"It's okay."<br>Izaya was surprised at how well he had slept. He got up slowly to make sure he did not trip and smoothed the wrinkles on his clothes, fluffing the fur. Shizuo was amused.  
>"So, how does the movie end?"<br>"It has a happy ending."  
>"No surprise there. Did you just stay there in the dark all this time…?"<br>"Sorry…"  
>"No problem. But I want to see the rest of the movie."<br>"Are action movies something you like?"  
>Izaya laughed.<br>"No, not really. But I couldn't just drag you to an art-house marathon. And the doctor did tell me not too watch too much TV-"  
>"You should've have told me that right away."<br>Izaya was taken aback by Shizuo's sudden sternness.  
>"It's not too bad. Ah, I should be going back."<br>It was very surprising how comfortable he felt here in Shizuo's home.  
>"Drop by tomorrow too. To find out how the movie ends. And maybe the following day too. Since you can't watch TV for a long time."<br>Izaya hesitated slightly.  
>"I'll bring food, then."<br>On his way out he met Tom.  
>"Shizuo's seems to be getting better. Thanks for helping out."<br>"Tom-san, don't thank me. I'm doing this for my selfish reasons. It does me good to have someone to help."  
>As Izaya took a turn and went on his way he found himself wondering. He felt strangely fresh. A few hours of sleep had been more restful than many nights on sleeping pills. And he was looking forward to just watching a silly story, something about super powers and the end of the world, without having to stress. More than anything he wanted to be able to relax and the fact that he did not need to hide his present issues around Shizuo made it easy.<p>

"Shizu-chan, ever tried making udon?"  
>"You're making food…?"<br>Izaya chuckled and put on a brand new apron, placing the ingredients on the counter.  
>"Not 'me', 'we'. Here, slice these."<br>Shizuo was handed a portion of onions.  
>"What kind of udon is it?"<br>"Beef. This is the tricky part."  
>He was about to begin slicing the meat when the knife reflected the light in a certain way that suddenly activated dreadful memories. Izaya remembered the jolt of paralyzing fear as a blade descended on him and with it the taste of his blood, bitter and coppery.<br>"Hey, Izaya?"  
>Shizuo tapped him on the shoulder very lightly and suddenly Izaya spun around, holding the knife tightly and aiming it at a very startled Shizuo. Then Izaya blinked, dropped it and Shizuo had to hold him lest he collapsed.<br>"Are you okay? Oy, Izaya?"  
>It took Izaya a while to regain his bearings completely. Shizuo gave him a glass of water and watched very closely.<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm okay now."  
>"What happened?"<br>Izaya looked away rapidly and granted him an apologetic smile.  
>"I don't know what got over me. But I'm fine now."<br>Shizuo covered a small hand with his own. Only briefly.  
>"You're trembling."<br>"Can you cut the meat for me? Make sure you cut it into very thin slices, that's the important part."  
>"How about we go out?"<br>Izaya nodded absent mindedly. Shizuo wanted to press the matter further and get to the bottom of this but he knew that the timing was off. And he suddenly realized that this was the first time in a long time that he had been able to truly break the paralyzing grip of selfishness by extending his attention to someone else. Shizuo picked an udon joint, a small place where they were basically alone.  
>"We can watch one of the movies you like next."<br>Izaya barely heard him but he made an effort.  
>"Sure. But don't complain if you're bored."<br>"I won't."  
>"You should switch to Blu-ray one of these days."<br>"Blu-ray…?"  
>"Instead of DVD. Just ask Kasuka, I bet he knows all about it."<br>"I'm not good with new stuff. How do you even keep up with it?"  
>"Too much free time, I guess?"<br>Shizuo smiled. He wanted to brush his fingers on Izaya's cheek, softly.  
>"Blu-ray, huh…must be expensive."<br>"Want my video?"  
>"I can't accept that…"<br>"Why not? I barely watch any TV as it is."  
>"Not now but you will when your eye gets better."<br>Izaya tried to be at his most nonplussed.  
>"Right. Please excuse me."<br>Shizuo did not mean to eavesdrop but there was something borderline secretive in the way Izaya slid into an alley and glued himself to a wall, phone in hand and voice kept low.  
>"I'm running out of pills. I <em>know<em> that. Look, prescriptions don't mean much to you, right? Come on now. Cut me some slack here, Shinra! Fine. Be that way, you're not the only illegal doctor out there."  
>Izaya leant against the wall. His back was turned against Shizuo but he could still see that Izaya was sobbing very quietly. Shizuo could not bear to just leave him alone but intruding on Izaya's moment of weakness could backfire. After some hesitation Shizuo coughed loudly to announce his presence and give Izaya time to collect himself.<br>"Hey, want to crash at my place tonight?"  
>Izaya was not at all expecting such an invitation but the moment it was issued he realized he wanted to take it. He could sleep with Shizuo around without the need for chemical help.<br>"You don't mind?"  
>"I got an extra futon."<br>"Thanks. Let's go back before the food cools. Udon is supposed to be eaten warm."  
>Izaya ate with appetite. He wondered if Shizuo had overheard the phone conversation. Somehow, Izaya did not particularly care one way or another. The two of them avoided their obvious plight out of mutual respect. Keeping some borders intact. Shizuo was unsure precisely why talking to Izaya was such a natural thing. Maybe it was because Izaya had such polished communication skills that he eased the burden of articulating thoughts into words from Shizuo. He considered this with greater care. Some answers need patience to be arrived at.<br>That was what happened later in the night. Izaya was safely tucked inside the futon and facing a wall. He could easily tell that Shizuo was wide awake. Some things get carried in the dark.  
>"It's called 'PTSD'. What I'm having, that is. It stands for 'Post-traumatic stress disorder'. It's a delayed reaction of the psychological effects of rape."<br>It was the first time the word was out in the open. Shizuo found himself admiring Izaya.  
>"Stuff like flashbacks and being afraid of knives? Sorry, I don't mean 'afraid'…"<br>"Sure you do. That's what it is. I stashed my switchblade away for good."  
>"Really?"<br>"Really. I pack lead now. Ironic, isn't it? I'm not afraid of guns but I'm terrified of cutting things. I should've known better than try to slice anything."  
>Shizuo was silent for a while.<br>"I can fix food for you."  
>"Heh, no need to go <em>that<em> far."  
>"But I want to. What's your favorite food?"<br>"Delicious ootoro."  
>"Not too sure I can make that. But udon should be fine."<br>"Good luck with that. Next time someone throws an ambush on me I'll aim straight between the eyes and shoot…and shoot…and keep on shooting…until they're all dead…"  
>Izaya trailed off and into sleep.<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

Izaya loaded the gun, aimed at the target and shot. He had to recalibrate constantly because he only had half of his field of vision but his grip on the handle was steady. Enough for him to hold the weapon with just one hand. He was in one of Tokyo's many underground shooting galleries. All were illegal. The policy on fire arms was after all rather strict but Izaya knew his way around. He had been living on the other side of legality for the longest of times. It had become part of him. It had shaped his personality and made him Orihara Izaya.  
>He had enjoyed the highs from such a lifestyle and now was going through a very deep low. The scent of gunpowder was reassuring, somehow. It floated in the air like a distressed phantom. Other smells ignited quasi fits and apart from shooting practice Izaya had to drag himself to leave his apartment. That and when he paid Shizuo a visit. He got into the habit of staying the night over at Shizuo's. It had not been planned and there was not even a verbal agreement.<br>Izaya had an appointment with the ophthalmologist and he was not looking forward to it. As it turned out it was not as bad as he thought. It made him terribly nervous to have anyone fussing about his eye and he really wished that he had another eye color. Red looked far too much like blood. But at least he could open his wounded eye and discern some smudges. It hurt his sense of balance.  
>Since his good eye was far too strained and beginning to show signs of deterioration Izaya was prescribed glasses. A week later the glasses were ready. He dropped by Shizuo's place a bit earlier than usual.<br>"Hi there."  
>"Glasses?"<br>"Indeed. Don't I look stylish now."  
>Shizuo studied him carefully.<br>"Is your eyesight getting worse?"  
>Izaya chuckled.<br>"It can't get much worse, now can it? Well, technically it could. It's just that my good eye is suffering from overwork, so to speak. Hence glasses. What do you think? So much cooler than Shinra's, right?"  
>Shizuo smiled.<br>"Yeah, his glasses look a bit old fashioned."  
>"So, what's for dinner?"<br>"I got some mushrooms."  
>Izaya glanced at the kitchen counter and wrinkled his nose.<br>"From a can?"  
>"Yeah. They had a sale."<br>"That won't do, Shizu-chan. Guess it can't be helped. We're going shopping. Good thing I was early today."  
>Shizuo followed Izaya to a nearby market and picked a few items. Izaya studied each row with great care even though the place was about to close. Shizuo was a bit uncomfortable since he hated causing anyone any trouble.<br>"Can't you just grab something from the shelf…"  
>Shizuo regretted it immediately, it suddenly dawned on him that Izaya needed time to scan the shelves with his one working eye.<br>"Tsk on you. One has to be careful about what one eats. It's important to make sure we get the right things in our body."  
>"Oh, okay."<br>Back at the apartment Izaya unwrapped some dried mushrooms.  
>"Now, these are the real thing. Let them rest in water for over two hours to rehydrate."<br>"Heh…it's kinda funny. I never thought you'd be the kind to be into cooking and stuff like that."  
>Izaya adjusted his brand new glasses.<br>"I like the fine things in life. That's why I make it a point to only eat the very best available. Can food is soulless."  
>"That's a weird way of thinking about it."<br>"I suppose it's a case of _joie de vivre_. Not that I have much of that as it is."  
>Izaya's smile grew faint.<br>"Making food together is kinda nice."  
>There was an awkward moment of silence. Both had the distinct feeling that something had suddenly changed. Izaya was the first to counter it.<br>"I'm thirsty, I'm getting some tea."  
>Izaya was already slipping into his jacket and putting on his shoes.<br>"I have tea here…"  
>"Sorry, different kind of tea."<br>"You'll be back for- dinner…"  
>Shizuo trailed off because Izaya was gone. Shizuo stared at the mushrooms. They floated like they had sprouted from the water itself. It occurred to Shizuo that he did not even know Izaya's cell phone number. Shinra might know but Shizuo could not exactly ask. And asking Izaya's sisters was even more out of the question. So there was nothing Shizuo could do except wait and look at the mushrooms.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Izaya returned half afraid. He almost went home instead but the thought of his large empty apartment frightened him. Izaya often felt restless and ill at ease when he was alone, particularly at night. He took a deep breath before knocking on the door. Izaya walked into Shizuo's apartment without s word and sat in silence.  
>"Food is almost ready."<br>"You haven't eaten yet?"  
>"Waited for you."<br>Izaya was not expecting this. He realized in a split second of almost revelatory insight that he was grateful. Izaya handed Shizuo a plastic bag.  
>"Here, I got some tea flavored dessert. And you can cut the mushrooms now."<br>Shizuo nodded and in no time he was serving slices of beef with a heavy broth for a sauce with chunky bits of mushroom. Shizuo needed to practice his knife skills.  
>"Nice apron you got there."<br>Izaya tried to clear the air of tension. Shizuo served him a generous portion that was more than Izaya normally ate. But warm food was comforting. Izaya ate it all with relish.  
>"Tea pudding, is that sweet?"<br>"Probably not sweet enough for your taste but still quite sweet. And healthy, too."  
>Izaya had picked the dessert as a peace offering. It was light green and scented. A feeling of homely co-existence spread around them without being imposing. Shizuo sampled.<br>"Hey, this is good! Have some."  
>Izaya smiled.<br>"Don't mind if I do. Normally I don't like getting food at convenience stores but this is a winner."  
>"Yeah."<br>A prelude of panic flitted through Izaya with all the irrational grip of unfounded fears.  
>"Shizu-chan, can I stay over?"<br>"Of course. I already got your futon all aired and all."  
>Shizuo aired it every day. It was too much but he had an almost superstitious insistence in the matter. Shizuo would never forget how Izaya had cleaned the apartment, it followed that he show the same care. Izaya exhaled and smiled half apologetically.<br>"Thanks."  
>They gathered around the television, none of them watching it but the mundane routine of the people on screen had a soothing effect. It was an excuse for being together without making much of it. After a while Shizuo produced some pajamas from a closet. Izaya kept night clothes there and slept fully dressed in these.<br>"I've been wondering, was this a present from your sisters?"  
>"Heh, because it's so pink and bright?"<br>"Yeah. It's not the type of thing I'd think you'd ever wear, even to sleep."  
>"Mairu's gift. It had Kururi's seal of approval, though. Apparently nii-chan needs to cheer up."<br>"That apron was Kasuka's gift."  
>"So you're not into pretty roses? What a shock!"<br>Shizuo chuckled.  
>"It's more his thing."<br>Izaya busied himself spreading the futon that for all practical purposes was his. He noticed freshly washed sheets and appreciated the gesture. Now that he considered it, it was remarkable how much he was rooted to Shizuo's home. There was even Izaya's pillow brought from his place and two toothbrushes in the micro bathroom.  
>"Younger siblings are little tyrants. They have us wrapped around their finger and they know it. 'Nii-chan' is short for 'bow down slave and lick my boots.'"<br>Shizuo smiled at the comparison. He was counting on the twins to see Izaya through.  
>"But useful. I don't have to buy clothes, Kasuka got me a bunch of bartender outfits."<br>"So I've noticed."  
>Izaya settled comfortably in the futon. The ceiling above him was already familiar. Still, he always undressed in private lest Shizuo saw the many marks of violence that tattooed his body.<br>"Is it really okay? For me to sleep here, I mean."  
>It had been bothering Izaya but it was reluctantly that he approached it.<br>"Sure. It's not like I'm doing you a favor or anything like that. I like having you here."  
>Izaya sighed silently in profound relief. He was prone to self-analyzing motives and emotional states but for the time being Izaya let the fuzzy feeling wash over him. It was a contained joy at being accepted. Izaya had nothing to compare it with. The experience was fairly new and needed some adjusting. But Izaya knew instinctively that this was something to draw strength from. Strength that he could use to overcome obstacles but also a kind of shelter in which he could lie down the bundle of his worries and anxieties and rest.<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

Both movements were complementary. Izaya only discerned this vaguely as he sank into peace.

It had been so long since Shizuo had been to Izaya's apartment and so much had changed since then that this might as well be the first time.  
>"Come in, make yourself at home. Don't mind the screens, it's my surveillance system."<br>Shizuo was indeed staring at the many screens that showed apparently ever single angle of the building including emergency exits and stairs. He realized that Izaya lived barricaded behind all sorts of security measured. He also noticed a triple bolt on the door that looked made of titanium steel. A new door, Shizuo was sure.  
>"I got you milkshake, is chocolate alright?"<br>"Sure."  
>"Take a seat, Shizu-chan."<br>Shizuo was a bit afraid of sitting on the plush and very expensive looking sofas but he obeyed. Izaya skipped to the high resolution flat screened television and adjusted the sound surround system.  
>"This is Kurosawa's Dreams. It's a series of shortish montages that can be watched independently for the most part. So it's perfect."<br>Izaya did not want to overstrain his good eye. He sat very close to Shizuo.  
>"Will it be complicated?"<br>"Don't worry too much about trying to get 'the message', just enjoy the ride. The visuals alone are amazing."  
>Shizuo was more than a bit curious. As it turned out it was not at all what Shizuo expected. The first segment looked historical and followed a little boy who witnesses a marriage between fox spirits, ending in a sublime rainbow spanning the width of a magical forest. The next one threw a profusion of peach flowers at the viewer along with living dolls doing a slow dance that was hypnotic. The third was about a group lost in a mountain blizzard and painstakingly making their way through deep snow, deep silence setting a somber mood and then an almost random folkloric element with a spirit woman ghostly intervening.<br>At this point Izaya hit the stop button.  
>"So, what do you think?"<br>"It was…really, really cool. So different from the usual stuff we see on TV."  
>Izaya nodded.<br>"Yes, it captures the oneiric feeling of it all. The imagery is very strong but there is still a certain narrative to it. These were based on actual dreams that Kurosawa had."  
>"Really? There are more, right? Can't wait to watch them."<br>Izaya smiled and stretched.  
>"It's only just starting. It gets even better but I can't watch more for the time being. You can watch the rest if you want."<br>"Tomorrow. We can watch it together."  
>"I won't spoil it for you, then."<br>Izaya sat with his knees brought to his chin, comfortably nestled in the sofa.  
>"You really love this movie, don't you?"<br>"I never get tired of it. I've lost count of the times I've watched it."  
>Shizuo found it amusing.<br>"Kurosawa…I think I've heard the name."  
>"Not surprising. He might have been the best Japanese director of all time. It is a bit saddening that our cinema is known abroad for the creepy girls with long hair crawling out of wells and making groaning sounds instead. But I suppose it can't be helped."<br>"Have you ever been overseas?"  
>Izaya bounced to his superbly equipped kitchen and returned with tea for him and tea flavored dessert for Shizuo.<br>"I've been to a few places. New York, Los Angels, London, Hong Kong, Shangai. Mostly big cities. But in the end I belong here and I always come back to my dear Tokyo, a city of many cities."  
>"Thanks. It must be fun, travelling around the world like that."<br>Shizuo was touched by the simple fact that Izaya had bothered to get him a dessert that was a new favorite. He then realized that milkshake was not something that Izaya would normally buy either.  
>"It's interesting. Plenty of different people from all walks of life and from so many cultures. But in the end, the best thing about it is coming back home to this view."<br>Izaya gestured toward the panoramic window. City lights prickled the night with so many glittering points.  
>"Real pretty. Can't see this from my place, that's for sure."<br>"Speaking of that…I've been crashing at your apartment so much that I feel like I'm freeloading. Want to stay the night?"  
>"Sure."<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

Izaya exhaled as if he had overcome an obstacle.  
>"Great. Pick whatever room you want, I have plenty of free space and extra futons if you are in the mood for being more traditional."<br>"Your bed is probably huge too."  
>"You can stay there too. I mean- that didn't come off right. This is outrageous, I am supposed to be a genius at suave dialogue."<br>An awkward moment of silence followed.  
>"I'm fine with it."<br>"I was forgetting, I got you something."  
>Izaya handed him some clothes.<br>"Pajamas?"  
>"Indeed!"<br>"Pink…"  
>"Heh, with a picture of Tokyo Tower. They sell these to tourists, hence the big size. But you don't have to worry about looking silly on your own. For I have…this."<br>Izaya produced his own PJ's.  
>"A hood with bunny years?"<br>"Because it is the year of the rabbit. My sisters got me this to celebrate."  
>Shizuo smiled broadly.<br>"They sure have some strange ideas."  
>"It's almost like a slumber party."<br>"Do guys have those?"  
>"Hmm…I'm not too sure but this is not bad, is it?"<br>"Yeah. Not bad at all."  
>Shizuo wished he had better words to express himself but this was all that occurred to him. But it was much better than none.<p>

"So…Izaya, I heard you're sleeping with Shizuo?"  
>Shinra peered over the clipboard. Izaya remained staring out the window in distracted silence.<br>"As your physician, I have to voice my concerns-"  
>"It's not like that. We just sleep side by side. That's all there is to it."<br>"I'm sorry, I didn't want to insinuate-"  
>"I don't really care what you think or don't think."<br>Shinra could almost see Izaya pulling into hostility.  
>"Looks like you've managed to get Shizuo to talk. That's pretty impressive."<br>"Do I get a medal now?"  
>"I didn't mean it like that."<br>Izaya was very much aware that he was being unreasonably testy but he did not want to discuss the matter with anyone, let alone Shinra. Not only because it opened him up to pity, something that Izaya despised in a visceral way, but because it was an intrusion into a growing intimacy that puzzled Izaya greatly. In finding himself entangled in a web sorts he tried to understand exactly by what threads he was so entrapped. There was the fact that nights spent alone left him half paralyzed with fear but through that highly utilitarian scheme there was a soothing and even uplifting daily routine of little things.  
>"Look, Shinra…it's just an agreement between Shizu-chan and I."<br>"I see. I think it's great, actually."  
>Shinra had prepared a very doctor-like speech about how unwise it was for rape victims to enter into a sexual relationship without first giving themselves enough time to work through the trauma. It was a rather common reaction, an almost masochist drive propelling it. Shinra decided to skip the lecture altogether and made a mental note to talk to Shizuo alone.<br>"I don't know if it's great or not but for the time being it works. Later."  
>Izaya's exit was too abrupt. He had refined the art of making a smooth exit as well as an entry, it was part of his strategy to make being in control appear as effortless as breathing. But of late he felt that keeping up such tactics was both pointless and impossible. There were moments when he was suddenly gripped with breathless anxiety and restlessness. Whenever that happened he could not bear to remain in the same place but had to sneak away and go somewhere else even if it was just around the corner.<br>Which was why he had avoided the subway since the incident. As a citizen of the gargantuan city of Tokyo his mobility was greatly quartered. But Izaya had greatly reduced the scope of his action. He was back to bartering information but only occasionally and worse, tentatively, and whatever his network caught was limited to what he could gather in his closest environs and online.  
>He chuckled bitterly and wondered if he was about to join the ranks of Tsukumoya Shinichi. Already Izaya had to make a deliberate effort to leave his apartment. This phobia to exposure had not diminished, it seemed to have become an integral part of his life. Apart from his place he only felt completely at ease at Shizuo's which gave him pause for thought.<br>He now shook his head to banish these thoughts and hailed a taxi.


	12. Chapter 12

The priority was getting back on his feet as soon as possible. Izaya's forte was after all human interaction, when it was not 'exploiting', so being barred from talking face to face – it made him exceedingly nervous and no one ever shared anything with a jumpy fellow – hindered his work exceedingly. Worse than that, it was a part of his identity that he could no longer claim.  
>Izaya watched the city slide by in a series of blurs of light against the incoming night. There was a third place where Izaya had a sense of calm. Shooting galleries. It was perhaps strange but as long as there was a target and something to shoot it with, Izaya felt more than fine. Of course, these were non-living targets. Izaya had a principle not to actually kill anyone, he might very well influence one to opt for death but he did not believe in imposing on someone's free will to the point of murder. However, Izaya was realizing that such ideas need be rewritten.<br>Creatures that adapted to new circumstances survived, those who did not were bound to perish. And Orihara Izaya was not about to join the extinct races of the Earth, all 99% of all that had ever existed.

Shizuo was waiting for Izaya. And feeling a bit dazed. Izaya had given the key to his apartment where he now sat on the plush black sofa. When Izaya was around it was easy to simply forget about the surroundings or at least not take them too much into consideration, Izaya was that kind of person. But being alone in the fast apartment made Izaya somewhat timid. He was allowed to be here and told that he could look around as he pleased but he could not help feeling that he was imposing. Shizuo half expected someone to materialize before his eyes and tell him to leave before laser beams slashed him into slices. There was something futuristic about the place that made such things almost likely.  
>Shizuo was even afraid of turning on the television lest he ended up damaging it. He was very much looking forward to seeing the rest of the crazy movie about the dreams. It was strange in a way he was not used to and it took him a while to realize why he liked it so much. The novelty of it all was what drew him in. The feeling of seeing something utterly unlike anything he had ever experienced before. As if life too was shifting gears and moving forward into a world of color.<br>If Shizuo were to describe the days after the incident he would say that it was monochrome time that moved around in a narrow circle around him. So he came to associate hope with colors and Dreams was bursting with these. Breaking the cycle of choking on inertia. Shizuo did not for a moment forget that it was been Izaya reaching out to him.  
>Shizuo studied a shelf of books. There were many, an entire wall stacked from top to bottom and Izaya had told him that the bulk of his library was rar'ed (whatever that was) in the computer. The titles were neatly arranged by theme and title. There were books on sociology, anthropology, architecture, information science, informatics, behaviorism, astronomy, philosophy, linguistic, programming, mathematics, postmodernism and other topics about which Shizuo only had the foggiest idea of. On the other side of the wall was an equally well stoked fiction section but the authors and titles were for the most part a mystery to Shizuo who had never heard about Oscar Wilde.<br>Shizuo was very impressed. He was used to seeing Izaya as the ultimate smartass whose clever ways served only to screw others over and have a blast at it. But he could now see that Izaya's quest for pleasure was almost obsessive and not necessarily a tool. Shizuo's guess was that Izaya loved to learn new things simply because it made him happy. Shizuo considered that maybe he was being too simplistic in thinking this way but even if there was more to it, with Izaya there usually was, it did not change that Izaya had a passion for learning.  
>Shizuo checked the time. Izaya was a bit late. He had half a mind to give Izaya a call but he did not have the number. It occurred to Shizuo that it was rather odd, in some ways Izaya and him were very close but in others it seemed that they were miles apart. He decided that he would ask the number as soon as Izaya arrived.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

Shizuo opened the door as soon as the sound of the chime reached him.  
>"Shizuo-san…? What are you doing here?"<br>A very surprised Mairu stood on the threshold. Not at all who Shizuo expected.  
>"Oh, hi there. Izaya will be back shortly, you can wait for him inside."<br>She widened her eyes slightly.  
>"He's not here now? Does that mean you have the new key?"<br>"Yeah…"  
>Shizuo felt stupidly awkward. He had assumed that Izaya's sisters had a key as well but judging by the flicker of surprised pain darting behind Mairu's lenses it was not the case. Shizuo was sure Izaya had his reasons but it was not his place to go into them or to even know them. Meanwhile the silence was lengthening.<br>"What is your relationship with my brother, exactly?"  
>Shizuo was caught aback by the question. Mainly because he did not know quite how to answer.<br>"We're not fighting anymore or anything like that so you don't have to worry."  
>"Why are you here?"<br>It was only at this point that Shizuo realized how ambivalent his arrangement with Izaya must appear to virtually everyone else. He was saved from this unexpected pinch by a key turning on the lock.  
>"Shizu-chan, sorry for the delay. I got some food on the way here- Mairu? What are you doing here?"<br>Mairu had quite a few snappy retorts, she felt offended by being virtually barred from Izaya's apartment when Shizuo was allowed to carry his own key, but all this was swept clear from her mind.  
>"Your eye, what happened to it…? Nii-chan…"<br>"Ah, this? Stylish, isn't it. Everyone's doing the eyepatch look nowadays. And now we can be the ultimate glasses siblings, we need Kururi to join our club."  
>Shizuo did not know how Izaya managed to flash a perfect smile that was all sparkles. Mairu was not at all fooled. She walked over to Izaya and gave him a brief but meaningful hug. Shizuo left a note and tiptoed out of the apartment, letting brother and sister talk in the privacy that they deserved. The situation demanded it. Shizuo waited across the street with a forgotten cigarette tucked in the corner of his mouth. He wondered if he should brace Kasuka's hectic schedule and give him a call. Of course, the reasons why Shizuo persisted on not establishing communication had nothing to with how busy daily life was. It was simply easier to say nothing. That way the illusion of normalcy remained unscathed.<br>Shizuo was ruminating on such thoughts when two small girl's shoes appeared in the space of concrete he was staring at. Lifting up his eyes he found Mairu extending her hand to him.  
>"Please keep taking care of my brother from now on."<br>Before Shizuo could reply she was slipping inside a cab, tossing a pigtail and halting before closing the door.  
>"Izaya is not a bad person, not really. He's a good guy, down deep…you just have to dig very deep. Neh? See you later, Shizuo-san."<br>And with a wave she was gone.

Shizuo decided not to ask anything about what had happened between the siblings.  
>"Can you tell me your cell phone number?"<br>"You don't know it?"  
>"Never got around to asking…I suppose you know mine?"<br>Izaya giggled and folded his arms.  
>"Shizu-chan, I know <em>everyone's<em> number. I may even know your credit card number."  
>"Heh, I doubt it. Cuz I don't have a credit card."<br>"That's smart of you. Avoid the credit crunch, stick to cold hard cash and invest in gold if need be. The economy has taken a rather harsh turn. These are tough times…tough times indeed. But I try to think positive. No matter how you look at it, Japan has been through worse things in its history and if the war generation got through that somehow we will manage. We have to."  
>Shizuo could tell that Izaya was not talking about the crisis at all.<br>"Here. You can call whenever you want. Want me to put it on speed dial for you?"  
>"Thanks."<br>"Should I put it under 'Louse' or 'Flea'?"  
>Shizuo could not help to chuckle.<br>"Under 'Izaya'."  
>"Hmm…all set, 'Izaya-sama' it is."<br>"Do I have to call you that now?"  
>"Feel free to do so."<br>"Try using 'ore-sama'. It fits you."  
>"Oh come on now! Now you're just being mean."<br>Shizuo ran his fingers through Izaya's hair, retracting his hand suddenly as if he had dipped it in scalding water.  
>"You said you have food?"<br>"Indeed, chicken feet. I'm going Ethnic Chinese here."


	14. Chapter 14

Shizuo grimaced.  
>"Is that…is that any good…?"<br>Izaya burst out laughing.  
>"Your face, oh Shizu-chan, if you could see it, too funny. Sorry to disappoint you, it's just dim-sum. Tasty buns."<br>"Oh, right. Sounds good."  
>Izaya set the low table and prepared a short pot of steaming water.<br>"We're drinking tea…?"  
>"Traditionally this food is eaten with tea so I got a proper infusion for the occasion."<br>"'Traditionally'? Strange, you caring about such things."  
>They sat around the table, Izaya distributing the steamed buns between the two of them.<br>"Why not?"  
>"You're so modern."<br>"Heh, true. But as you know I give a lot of thought to what I eat and only care for properly made food with the best ingredients. So I value time stamped flavor combinations and formulas. Culinary is a process of selecting what flavors do work together and how to arrange them as perfectly as possible. It follows that the generations that have worked to hone these flavors should have picked up a few things along the way. You can think of it in evolutionary terms if you will. The dishes that have been transmitted from generation to generation must have something going for them. Except natto, that remains a mystery to me."  
>Shizuo laughed and took a sip of dark almost scentless tea.<br>"Natto, huh…yeah, just the smell alone is a bit…bad."  
>"Of course, this is not to say that I am not open to new developments in cuisine but I prefer to put my trust in the food that has already proved its worth."<br>"This one is stuffed with veggies."  
>Shizuo had just bitten into a bun.<br>"And you don't like vegetables?"  
>"Didn't know they could be this tasty."<br>"The palate, like so many things, can be educated."  
>A comparison to sex occurred very naturally to Izaya and he kept it to himself deliberately. It was a subject he simply did not want to breach with Shizuo for many reasons.<br>"I got this idea that Chinese food is greasy but this is very good."  
>"Unfortunately what is readily available from abroad tends to be a minimum common denominator of dubious quality. You should see what passes for Japanese food overseas."<br>"You know so much about food but you're so skinny."  
>"That is because I have an amazing metabolism. What can I say, I'm blessed in many ways. Also, I run for my life all the time so I get plenty of exercise."<br>Izaya munched a beef filled bun that he held with both hands. Shizuo found it cute.  
>"And what do you think of cheese sushi?"<br>Izaya wiped his lips on the napkin and adopted a most solemn demeanor.  
>"I believe that it is a crime against humanity on par with the holocaust."<br>"That bad….?"  
>"Yes. That bad."<br>"I've tried it and it was real weird."  
>"Some innovations in gourmet culinary are too bizarre. Such as using liquid nitrogen, molecular gastronomy and deconstructed food."<br>"Nitrogen? People cook with that?"  
>"I wouldn't but it is all the rage in some circles. But I prefer food that is done in a more instinctive way, so to speak."<br>"But no chicken feet?"  
>Shizuo smiled as if to join Izaya in his harmless mischievous way.<br>"You never know. Perhaps chicken feet are so amazing that once we try it we will want nothing else."

Later Shizuo insisted in doing the dishes. Izaya lounged on the sofa.  
>"I had something of an argument…with Mairu."<br>Shizuo blinked in surprise. He got the impression that the siblings had patched up things.  
>"Really?"<br>"Somewhat. I can't agree with her being out in the streets this late at night. This is Tokyo, it is dangerous for anyone and doubly so for teenage girls. But we reached an agreement."  
>"I'm glad."<br>"Even arguing is better than a kind of stale silence."  
>Shizuo joined him on the sofa, there was plenty of space so Izaya could remain lying on his back, eyes closed and very much at ease. The eyepatch made him look disarmingly fragile.<br>"I guess that at times talking things through is needed."  
>"Aye, so it is."<br>"Izaya?"  
>"Hmm?"<br>"Nothing."  
>Shizuo knew that he had something to say, something of vital importance but the words failed him. And that because Shizuo could not envision the shape of what he wanted to convey. It remained within as a vague thing that he could not properly grasp let alone communicate.<br>"Ah, I'm too tired."  
>Shizuo made as if to carry him to bed but brought himself to a full stop just in time.<p> 


	15. Chapter 15

"Will you be making chicken feet next time?"  
>"No way, I don't want to chase you away."<br>"You wouldn't."  
>Izaya stretched and yawned. It was a run of the mill moment without any particular meaning to it and perhaps because of that for the first time Shizuo could almost see the shape of the words he needed to say. But that was all the more reason to keep silent about it.<p>

"I used to be a moral relativist. Do you know what that means? I don't suppose you'd know so allow me to enlighten you. A moral relativist is one who deems deeds to be neutral in terms of 'good' or 'bad' and that such distinctions are varying degrees of arbitrary. Are you following me thus far?"  
>The man that was bounded and gagged nodded frantically. Izaya smiled cryptically and kept on slowly walking around the chair to which his victim was tied. His steps resounded very loudly in the empty storehouse and the dizzying scent of gasoline filled the air.<br>"Good, it is important that you understand. As I was saying, I have been a moral relativist for as long as I can remember. But thanks to you and your gang I realized something. Such a stance is akin to saying, 'there is no such thing as starvation' simply because one has not experienced it. In other words, you can only say that evil does not really exist when you have never felt its consequences."  
>The chair tottered as Izaya lit a cigarette, keeping his distance and easily avoiding the puddle of highly inflammable liquid that dripped from the soaked man. Izaya snuffed the flame and kept on walking without even picking up his pace.<br>"So you see, I reached an ethic revelation of sorts. And I am a firm believer in the practical usage of philosophy. That is what led me here. Do you understand now? I am telling you why I will kill you."  
>The muffled protests kicked up a notch. Izaya's smile grew sharper.<br>"Now, I can anticipate your objections. You can make an argument that there is a lack of equity. But you see, you got someone else involved. It follows that I can't forgive you. But cheer up, very soon you will find the answer to the grand question, 'is there life after death'. Enjoy dying."  
>And with this Izaya skipped to a pile of carts and sat on the highest one, smiling pleasantly even as he stroke a match and sent the tiny flame flying. Izaya did not stay to watch the unfurling petals of fire spreading with deadly speed. Instead he escaped through the tiny window behind him and walked away without as much as looking back.<p>

"So, Shizuo…how are you doing?"  
>"Okay, I guess."<br>Shinra cold already tell that Shizuo was not about to tell him anything, at least not without some serious prodding.  
>"And Izaya, how is he?"<br>"He's okay."  
>"And you're staying together at night?"<br>Shinra was unsure of how to phrase this without the entailing assumptions it carried. But Shizuo seemed too listless to notice, his mind very focused on private thoughts.  
>"Oh, yeah."<br>Shinra coughed and drummed his fingers on the table between them.  
>"Shizuo, it's great that you're getting along with Izaya but what exactly do you want out of this?"<br>For the first time in this interview Shizuo seemed to emerge from his heavy ruminations.  
>"What I want…"<br>Shizuo tried to process it past a certain mental blockage.  
>"I hate to pry but I'm sure you can understand that I have some concerns."<br>"I'm not going to hurt him…"  
>"I know that. I'm just worried that your relationship is becoming something that none of you is ready to handle."<br>Shizuo nodded.  
>"I know what you mean but we like being together."<br>It went beyond liking and well into needing but that was not something to discuss with outsiders. As strange as it might seem to think in these terms Shizuo was very aware that there was a complicity between Izaya and himself that relegated everyone else to an outer circle of sorts. It was a private space where only the two had the right to be in. What it could mean in the future Shizuo was not yet quite sure but he suspected that Shinra's quasi lecture resulted from certain ideas about it.  
>"That is fine. Just keep in mind that both of you are going through some hard times."<br>Shizuo gave him a sad smile.  
>"That's kinda what we're trying to forget."<p> 


	16. Chapter 16

Shizuo had a bad feeling as soon as he saw the news. But of course he said nothing. After all Izaya was in high spirits.  
>"Let's eat out, I am in the mood for something fancy and absurdly expensive. Remember, you only live once!"<br>Izaya was at his bubbliest as he gorged on caviar and champagne. He took small sips that did not at all account for the ring of hollowness to this almost febrile excitement.  
>"This is how you take them out of the shell, see? Just use your hands and be gentle, you can't squeeze too much or they'll burst and lose the flavor."<br>Shizuo wanted to ask about the insofar unidentified carbonized body. It was impossible to do such a thing here, Shizuo was not sure he could at all ask, but he felt anxious for Izaya's sake. There was something artificial about Izaya's joy. It might have fooled Shizuo in the past but he could see through it now.  
>Shizuo noticed that Izaya's food already came neatly sliced and that he did not even have a knife.<br>"These are also good with butter sauce but it can get too greasy if not done properly."  
>"Butter sauce you say?"<br>"I prefer it with lime grass myself."  
>Izaya smiled beautifully and Shizuo nearly placed his hand over Izaya's but at the last moment Izaya hailed a waiter for an extra napkin. Leaving Shizuo to wonder if he had not done it on purpose. Shizuo could feel a shadow flitting through the moment.<br>Izaya was too electrified to settle for their prearranged plan of finishing Dreams. Instead he and Shizuo strolled through jam packed streets in the neon glitter of the night. Izaya felt reassured by Shizuo and so he almost walked above the dirty pavement.  
>But the high was short lived. Izaya dropped asleep almost as soon as he hit the bed. He did not change into the odd pink rabbit themed pajamas. Shizuo watched him with a heavy heart. He was torn between just letting him stay that way or properly undressing him but in the end Shizuo could not possibly bring himself to touching Izaya without explicit consent, no matter how innocuous the intent. Abusing trust was simply unforgivable.<br>Shizuo tucked him in and drifted to the well furnished kitchen where he sipped cold tea and mused. He would have to discuss it with Izaya and the sooner the better. Shizuo had little doubt that Izaya had just killed one of their aggressors. It did not bother him in the least. His one concern was that Izaya was putting himself in danger without need and worse, without him. Shizuo returned to bed with these thoughts firmly lodged in his mind.  
>"I never thanked you properly, Shizuo."<br>Shizuo was startled. Not only was Izaya wide awake as he was omitting the time stamped silly honorific. In the dark only Izaya's red eyes seemed to have a light of their own as if illuminated from within.  
>"For what?"<br>"That night. I heard them, they gave a chance of leaving unscathed. If you- if you raped me- then they'd let you go. When I heard that I knew that I was done for. There was no way- no way I could possibly survive that- since you are Heiwajima Shizuo and we have such a history of bad blood between us. At that moment I was sure I was going to die and I was so terrified, so terrified…but you didn't accept their offer. I couldn't believe it. I thought to myself, 'what an idiot!' but that was just my weakness doing all the thinking. I've wondered since then, what would I have done in your place. Putting myself in someone else's shoes is part of what I do after all. And I realized that in your place…I would have done it. To save myself- I would have done it. So, don't go thinking 'I should have saved Izaya' because you already did. And I am not sure I was worth it."  
>Shizuo softly caressed his cheek.<br>"Next time take me along. If you're hunting them down then I'll help you."  
>Izaya smiled slowly as he rolled on his back.<br>"Ah. I thought you knew."  
>"I suspected. And I want to kill these bastards every much as you do."<br>Izaya sat up.  
>"Are you sure about that? Do you know what you're saying? Killing someone is crossing a line that can't be crossed back."<br>Shizuo tilted his chin to look him in the eyes.  
>"Do you regret it?"<br>"No."  
>"Then neither will I."<p> 


	17. Chapter 17

Shizuo expected that he would be the one to take the first step. But it was Izaya who cast a brief kiss on his lips. Only to retract almost immediately.  
>"Sorry, that was a bit- selfish of me."<br>Shizuo could only tell precisely where Izaya was huddled in bed from the rustling of sheets he heard as Izaya crawled away.  
>"Selfish…? Why?"<br>"Because I wanted to kiss you. And because that's all I can actually do in this scenario…let's just say that my libido died on me completely. Ah, the life of a eunuch is not half as bad as it's thought to be."  
>Shizuo could tell that Izaya could be this flippant about it because the lights were out and deep darkness covered all. But it did not even shade the pain that Shizuo could guess from Izaya's voice alone. Shizuo had to brace himself to carry on but he was not about to allow for the confidential mood to dissolve.<br>"Did they- did those bastards do something to your body-"  
>"No, it's all in my mind. Of course, 'the mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.'"<br>Shizuo gently gathered him into his arms.  
>"Then it can be fixed, right? I won't do anything to hurt you."<br>"Theoretically, at least."  
>More than ever Shizuo felt the need to employ words, to establish a firm link of communication.<br>"Izaya, can I kiss you?"  
>They were so close that Shizuo could feel Izaya's nod. Shizuo kissed him with the utmost care lest he upset the fragile emotional balance between them. For a while they merely stayed like this.<br>"I'm a bit surprised…that you're not freaked out to be this way with me since I've killed someone."  
>"To be honest, I'm annoyed at myself…"<br>"What for?"  
>"For sitting on my ass while you put yourself in danger. I should've been the one getting rid of scum."<br>"Tsk, you don't know how to find these people. I do. As densely populated as this city is, an informant's network of contact can localize just about anyone. And the underground is my turf."  
>"Still."<br>Shizuo could not help feeling that he had neglected a duty. He felt surer with each passing moment. Izaya sighed heavily. Shizuo felt the tiny body next to his heave.  
>"Ah, I'm a bit pathetic…bragging about my connections and whatnot. As if any of that did me any good."<br>Shizuo caressed Izaya's back very lightly through the fabric. It struck him anew how thin Izaya was, to the point Shizuo's fingertips brushed the shape of his spine.  
>"Have you been eating?"<br>"Heh, now you're turning into Shinra. You saw tonight how I stuffed myself. If anything I'm eating too much. I'll become so fat they'll be making 'Orihara Izaya is so fat' jokes in no time."  
>Izaya needed to lighten up the mood before it became so dense that there was no escaping. Shizuo understood it.<br>"More like, 'Orihara Izaya is so thin he walks through raindrops without getting wet'."  
>"Wow, now that was lame. I'd rather be able to float from the top of skyscrapers all the way to the ground unharmed. Very much like a feather. And it seems I can't sleep now."<br>"I always drink hot milk when I can't sleep. Want to try it?"  
>It had never failed before the incident. Shizuo did not mention any sleeping pills, he was sure they were both past that phase.<br>"Let me guess, laced with a lot of sugar?"  
>"Yeah, it's tastier that way."<br>"I'll give it a go but I'll skip the sugar."  
>Shizuo waited in the kitchen where Izaya appeared wearing purple bunny pajamas. Shizuo chuckled.<br>"How many of those do you have?"  
>"More than I need."<br>Izaya spoke in mock solemnity. Shizuo played with the rabbit ears, trying to make them stand up.  
>"You look like a sad bunny like this."<br>"Sad Usagiya is sad."  
>Shizuo laughed.<br>"'Usagiya'? What is that?"  
>"A sad multicolor bunny who suffers at the paws of two wicked younger sisters."<br>"Never saw a rabbit having a burrow in a penthouse."  
>"Usagiya is special like that."<br>Izaya wiped a milk moustache. To Shizuo Izaya looked very much like a kid.  
>"You can become the Easter Bunny, then."<br>"Don't tell Mairu and Kururi that, they'll get funny ideas."  
>"Your sisters really have you in the palm of their hand."<br>Izaya nodded and picked up the mug with both hands to warm himself.  
>"So uncool, I know. 'Izaya-nii' is short for 'obey slave, or else!' And trust me on this, you don't want to know what 'or else' is."<p> 


	18. Chapter 18

"His only problem is in his mind. It's a psychological blockage of sorts."  
>Shizuo nodded.<br>"'kay, thanks."  
>Shinra wanted to get to the bottom of this.<br>"If you're asking me this…then you're doing what I expressly advised you not to."  
>"It's not like that."<br>"Shizuo, if you're thinking of helping cure him then I must dissuade you. Just give it time and let him heal on his own. Do you understand?"  
>"I got it. Got to run now, thanks for letting me know."<br>"Shizuo, you watched the news? Some guy got burnt to a crisp. I don't suppose you know anything about it?"  
>"Nah. No clue."<br>"Shizuo…if Izaya is leading you into something dangerous you must not get involved any further."  
>"Dunno what you're talking about. Bye."<br>One thing Shinra knew for sure: Shizuo was a terrible liar.

"Do you believe in god?"  
>Shizuo would rather simply kill the whole gang without these mind games but apparently Izaya needed this weird ritual of torture. Shizuo had helped to bound, muffle the man and tying him to a crane so that he was currently suspended over the abyss a good a hundred storeys up. Izaya was gingerly sitting on the ledge of the rooftop, legs swinging.<br>"It must be rather difficult to think when you're upside down like this but do make an effort. After all, these are the last moments you will be spending on this Earth so you might as well try. Neh?"  
>To Shizuo's surprise Izaya produced a Rubik's cube from his jacket and proceeded to play with it. Shizuo wondered why Izaya had gone to the trouble of sealing the man's mouth. It was not as if anyone could hear him even if he screamed with all his might, after all he was trying to do just that and all that Shizuo could hear were low and disorderly noises and that only when the wind abated. But Izaya had a reason and it was linked to his revenge. Rape was about control, of seizing control by brute force. Words were a source of power that was purely human. By stealing the ability to speak Izaya was signaling his dominance in the intellectual sphere. It also destroyed even the hope for negotiation. Izaya wanted his foes to be aware of their demise.<br>"I always wondered how god believers manage to hold on to their beliefs in the face of all the pain and suffering we see in the world. It is rather odd, isn't it? It is amazing how humans can rationalize virtually anything."  
>Shizuo had never realized how surreal the city was seen from this height in the dead of the night. Cold lights were scattered, tiny bits of electricity that showed just how high up they were and the moving dots that were cars flowed like interconnected rivers.<br>"Are you familiar with Epicurus? He posed the question in a most excellent manner: 'Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then He is not omnipotent. Is He able, but not willing? Then He is malevolent. Is He both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is He neither able nor willing? Then why call Him God?' It's a very good question, isn't it? But you see, I am human. So I can't exactly rely or expect divine justice, now can I? So based on my very human judgment I deem you unworthy of living."  
>And with a beautiful smile Izaya waved, skipped to the crane and unhinged the chain thus sending the man plummeting to his death. Shizuo did not even watch, he was more concerned with Izaya who did look over the ledge, his smile becoming wider.<br>"Ah, I'm bored now. Still a few more to kill."  
>"I think it's enough for the night."<br>"Hmm…I suppose so. It's a bit of a shame that they die so easily."  
>"Let's go home."<br>Suddenly Shizuo did not want to stay one more second in this cold wind swept rooftop.  
>"If you ever need an alibi, I'll provide you one. I have contingency plans in case the police catches up on what is happening."<br>"Shinra suspects..."  
>"That is to be expected. But he is smart enough to keep his mouth shut."<p>

Back in Izaya's apartment Shizuo was gloomily silent. Izaya drank some green tea and stole a few glances at him. Killing did not bother Izaya in these circumstances but this uncertain atmosphere between them scared Izaya considerably.  
>"Shizu-chan…do you feel differently about me now? Do you-"<br>Shizuo cut the question short with a kiss.  
>"How I feel about you is something like this. Please promise me you won't hunt down these guys on your own."<p> 


	19. Chapter 19

"I promise. By the way, can you solve this baby?"  
>Izaya produced the Rubik's cube.<br>"The idea is to get each face to be the same color, right?"  
>"Precisely. But there's a trick."<br>"Trick? What is it?"  
>"I'll never tell! Give it a go, it can be fun."<br>"Thanks."  
>"And don't go looking it up online. That's cheating."<br>"'kay. I wouldn't do that anyway."  
>"Ha, but now that I told you not to you won't be able to stop yourself. It's human nature."<br>"Heh…nah, I'll try getting it right on my own."  
>"And ultimately that is all every single human person this planet that do."<br>Shizuo agreed.

"Hello, Shiki-san. How may I be of use?"  
>Izaya spun on his swivel chair without quite going round.<br>"I'll cut straight to the chase. I don't appreciate you going on a killing spree on my territory."  
>"Hmm…I didn't know I needed a permit from you."<br>"Orihara, don't think you can play games with me."  
>"Games? I'm doing no such thing. But this city is arranged in such a way that every single inch of its highly inflated real estate belongs to some yakuza or another. So I'm afraid I can't be accommodating."<br>"I don't care if you have some revenge agenda but I can't let you carry on. So put a stop to it."  
>Izaya burst out laughing.<br>"Or what? You'll kill me? Can you really afford to do that? You're not stupid, Shiki-san. Surely you realize that you need someone who knows precisely what is going on the streets. If you think you can find anyone half as good at what I do then go right ahead and shoot me yourself."  
>"You're playing with fire."<br>"That's the story of my life."  
>Shiki narrowed his eyes briefly. In his job he also needed to know how to read people and he could tell that Izaya was serious.<br>"Just so there are no misunderstanding, are you saying that you won't put an end to this?"  
>"That is precisely what I'm saying. You should understand, isn't it part of the yakuza code of honor to not allow anyone who does as much as look at them funny get away unscathed? And let me tell you something, Shiki-san. Rape is much worse than looking at someone funny."<br>Shiki spent some moments in silence. Assessing Izaya. Few things were more dangerous than a wounded animal and he could tell that Izaya was precisely that.  
>"Alright. Do as you please."<br>Izaya lifted an eyebrow.  
>"Really? My, how off character of you. Did you realize that you need me after all?"<br>Shiki was simply very sorry for Izaya but he was sorry enough not to say it.  
>"I can get them killed for you. I don't accept raping in my turf."<br>"I can't have that. I want to do it myself. They will all die by my hand, as I see fit, when I see fit, because I see fit."  
>This alone confirmed Shiki's suspicion. Orihara Izaya was most worthy of sympathy.<br>"Don't forget to get on with your job."  
>"Of course not. I am an informant by vocation. Feel free to procure my services anytime. For a fee, that is."<br>"Obviously. I wouldn't expect you to do anything for free."  
>Just as Shiki did not believe he could possibly strike an actual friendship with Izaya. It was rather saddening.<br>"I will be sending you my updated fees shortly."  
>"You're already expensive enough as it is."<br>Izaya chuckled.  
>"That is because I just so happen to be the best."<br>Shiki hoped that this was some solace to Izaya, at least.

"I got it almost done, the blue wall that is…but there's still one tiny cube that is wrong."  
>Shizuo turned the Rubik's cube on his hands but could not figure a solution.<br>"So it is, Shizu-chan. The most annoying part is when it's almost done but you have to go back to move forward. We look at what it's done and feel very reluctant to undo it even if we have to."  
>"Yeah…what's for dinner tonight?"<br>Shizuo was profoundly relieved that they were back to this binding routine that brought them together with little things.  
>"Cordon bleu. With delicious cheese that is delicious."<br>"You said 'delicious' twice…"  
>"Indeed! It just shows how truly delicious it is."<br>"Yeah."  
>They ate with appetite.<br>"The doctor told me to remove the eye patch at home."  
>Izaya proceeded to do so now.<br>"Really? You should've told me sooner, that's great. Great news."  
>"I can still only see blurred shapes but that's to be expected. Goodbye pirate look, hello megane style."<p> 


	20. Chapter 20

Izaya adjusted his glasses and smiled.  
>"You look like Mairu that way."<br>"Just missing the pigtails."  
>"Heh, yeah."<br>"I'll get a wig for the lols one of these days."  
>"The what?"<br>Izaya giggled.  
>"Will you ever find out, I wonder!"<br>"Want to finish the movie tonight?"  
>"Sure."<br>Izaya huddled next to Shizuo on the sofa as they sat through visionary nuclear holocaust, Fuji-san in red, ghostly armies of an ugly age, Van Gogh's brilliancy brought to life, a happy village of watermills.  
>"So, what did you think of it?"<br>"Pretty amazing. I can see why you like it so much."  
>"I don't care much for the last segment, though."<br>"Really? Why not? I really liked it."  
>"Bucolic idylls do not resonate with me. I am a city dweller through and through."<br>It suddenly occurred to Shizuo that what they should do was to simply leave Tokyo altogether, its power games and inherent filth, for a cleaner place with crystal clear waters and perhaps even windmills.  
>"Streams are very calming, I think…just looking at them."<br>Izaya lifted an eyebrow.  
>"Calming? Strange, I never saw it that way. So you'd be right at home in that village."<br>"Yeah, it was my favorite bit of the entire movie."  
>Izaya was silent for a while.<br>"There would be no place for me in such a place. Pulling strings on such a small community would backfire on me. Then again…"  
>Fading into reticence.<br>"Thanks for showing me this movie. I wouldn't have even heard of it if not for you."  
>"And you probably wouldn't have been raped if not for me either."<br>Shizuo was too surprised to even reply. There was something a bit frightening about how Izaya switched gears from light hearted discussion to sheer darkness without as much as batting an eyelash.  
>"You knew that, right? It's part of job not only to know but to know just how much other people know. We're seen as a combo of sorts, even if are known to be enemies. Perhaps because we are seen as enemies, actually. Those people's grudge is entirely with me."<br>Shizuo held him in a loose embrace.  
>"Doesn't matter. None of that."<br>"Shizuo…you may be the biggest idiot I ever met."  
>"Yeah, that's fine with me. As long as I can be your idiot."<br>Izaya disentangled himself and placed his glasses on the table. Very slowly.  
>"Don't say things like that."<br>"Why not…?"  
>"Because I don't like it."<br>The snappy tone puzzled Shizuo more than anything else.  
>"Okay. I won't."<br>Uncomfortable silence settled between them.  
>"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lash at you like that. I don't know what's wrong with me."<br>Shizuo laced their hands together and squeezed slightly.  
>"Can I make dinner tomorrow?"<br>"Hmm…I'm not too sure about that."  
>"You think my cooking skills are that bad?"<br>"Yes. Yes, I do. Tell you what, you have a deal if we go shopping together. Ingredient selection is of the utmost important."  
>"Sure. That might be fun."<br>By now Shizuo was sure that the shapeless emotion upon which he was afloat was indeed 'love'. It was something far too heavy for Izaya sustain in his frail condition. So for the time being it was best left wordless.

"It is an unfortunate consequence of our modern times that so many interesting traditions fail to be transmitted to younger generations."  
>The victim of the night was neatly tied and as usual duct taped across the mouth but Izaya had added a twist in the shape of duct tape keeping the eyes peeled so that they could not be closed.<br>"For example, the many hells that our Buddhist past imparted us with. Cold hells, hot hells, hells of isolation. As many as there are people. It's a moral construct that flies in the face of science but it has its charm. And by being at its inner core irrational it reflects the human heart quite well. As does the notion of karma. Often said to be a bitch and by now I am sure you fully agree. In case you harbor any doubts I will kill you. You may have heard that talkative torturers are less likely to actually kill but that does not apply to me."  
>Shizuo stood at a distance and half hidden in shadow. He could not help finding it disturbing to stare into the eyes of a dying man and it was with something of a chill that he realized that Izaya relished every single moment of this.<p> 


	21. Chapter 21

"There is something that is often not taken into account in the mathematics of karma. Just like borrowing money from a loan shark the interest accumulates and grows, and grows. Until it is virtually impossible to even conceive of a way of paying it. In other words: redemption is an illusion. You can say that you are paying me with interest, hence your death. About which, do allow me to elaborate."  
>Izaya sat on a crate, legs crossed, close enough for his victim to see the genuine glee in his visible red eye.<br>"I've injected a chemical into your blood stream. When I push this button the compound will become active and increase your heartbeat until the sheer pressure in your blood vessels kills you."  
>Izaya dangled a switch with a big red button. To Shizuo it looked like a device straight from a children's cartoon but there was nothing funny about this. Izaya placed it on the floor, the man struggling to no avail. Izaya's smile grew wide and then he was stomping on the switch, laughing with an edge of hysteria. It became louder and more insane as he gathered momentum.<br>Shizuo was caught looking from Izaya's crazy semi-dance and the man's death throes. A chill ran down his spine. He was about to stop Izaya when Izaya halted suddenly.  
>"Ah, I'm bored now. I wonder…what I'll do when they're all dead. Can't kill them twice."<br>Shizuo did not want to see the bloody mess that was a living human just recently. Izaya's ploy of forcing the eyes wide open was apparently to see them burst in sprays of blood. Shizuo reached out to gently guide him away from the carnage scene but Izaya slapped his hand away.  
>"<em>Don't<em> touch me. I can't see from by blind side."  
>"Sorry. Let's just go away."<br>Izaya stared at his handiwork of death for a long time.  
>"Shizuo, I don't know what kind of hell this piece of human scum is fit for. But I wonder, what kind of hell would fit me?"<br>Shizuo did not like the ring of the question. Izaya sounded very distant. Shizuo took his hand.  
>"Whatever hell that is, I'll be there with you. That much you can rest assured of."<br>"Ah. I see."  
>Shizuo could only breathe when they were safely back in Izaya's apartment.<br>"Do you know why I'm killing them off one by one?"  
>"Revenge, isn't it?"<br>"I could call it 'justice' and perhaps it is so but you are right. The thing I fear the most it's death. A kind of death that results from being so utterly powerless. Each time I put an end to one of their lives I realize how alive _I_ am."  
>"I understand."<br>"You probably don't but thanks."  
>Silence. It remained as Izaya very slowly caressed Shizuo's cheek. Barely touching his lips. There was something highly disturbing in the potential for vicious violence and gentleness in the same person.<br>"Can I remove your eyepatch?"  
>Izaya nodded. Shizuo proceeded with very careful gestures.<br>"I like you with glasses but I'll be very happy when you no longer need to wear them."  
>"Should I get those pigtails after all?"<br>"No need."  
>Izaya slid until his head was resting on Shizuo's lap. Slowly, Shizuo patted his head, his long fingers brushing smooth black hair. Izaya closed his eyes, taking deep silent breaths. Shizuo could feel each breath Izaya took. It brought home how delicate his body was. Shizuo swallowed a sudden knock in his throat.<br>"At one point I thought that if they were going to make me blind they might as well kill me. And for someone like to think such a thing…it's as if I was not Orihara Izaya. So who was I? Or what was I?"  
>"You're still you."<br>"It's a tautology but thanks anyway."  
>More silence. Shizuo knew that it had to be Izaya to break it. And tear down the wordless spell. Shizuo wondered if it was their homely routine that made him so attuned to Izaya's timing. Or perhaps it was a by product of deeper emotions. Shizuo decided that it was a combination.<br>"I'm not bothered that for all practical purposes I'm a eunuch now. Isn't that odd? I don't think I'll ever want to even think about sex- let alone having it."  
>"I think that it's because you feel like that that you're that way. Since it's all in your mind."<br>"Perhaps. Perhaps when I want to do it I will able to."  
>"Yeah. That's what I think. Just take your time."<br>"I'm happy being celibate…that too isn't Orihara Izaya."


	22. Chapter 22

Shizuo said nothing. For a long time they remained in silence.  
>"Shizuo? Do you want to have sex with me?"<br>"Not like this."  
>"How, then?"<br>"When you want it. If you want it, I mean."  
>Izaya breathed out silently. Shizuo could feel it.<br>"I don't understand you. You tag along with me but you show no desire to kill any of them yourself."  
>"Izaya, I've been thinking. What you're doing doesn't bother me, as far as I know those guys deserve to die, but I'm worried about what it's doing to you."<br>Izaya chuckled bitterly.  
>"So you think I'm a monster. How's that for hypocrisy."<br>"I don't mean it like that, not at all. I'm afraid that it's hurting you."  
>"Hurting me? I'm the one doing that."<br>"Yeah, I know. But it has an effect on you. Maybe it's because we've become so close but I can notice it. And I want you to be happy-"  
>"I assure you that I am very happy when I kill them."<br>Izaya's body stiffened even as his voice became clipped. Shizuo wanted to reassure him with a soft pat to the head but it would never do.  
>"For a while, I'm sure. But you end up feeling very bad afterwards…and then you need to kill one of them again. That's why tonight you said that you don't know what would happen when you're done with your revenge."<br>Izaya wanted to protest but he could not do it.  
>"Perhaps. Perhaps you have a point."<br>More silence as Izaya pondered.  
>"I don't think that it's worth getting hurt over."<br>"I'm not sure about that. Humans are self-contradictory creatures. They often boycott their chances of happiness, which is strange, but they do so knowingly, which is stranger. I don't think I can I actually stop…even if it's bad for you."  
>"I think I understand. It's kinda like smoking."<br>Izaya giggled.  
>"Weird analogy."<br>"Sorry. I just wanted to say that you're not on this alone. I'm not just tagging along."  
>Izaya's silence grew very thoughtful.<br>"And I am glad that you're in this with me. But Shizuo, do you understand the implications of this?"  
>Shizuo had realized that whenever Izaya addressed him in such a manner it meant that there was something weighing on his mind.<br>"Implications? Sorry, I'm not good with complicated words."  
>"It means to some extent I'm glad for what happened to you."<br>"This is gonna sound annoying, I bet, but at times you think too much."  
>"Think too much?"<br>"Yeah. Thinking is great, it's what you do best but it can get a bit too much. Know what I mean? There's such a thing as being too smart. When it does you more bad than good."  
>"Ah, that is a shrewd observation indeed."<br>Shizuo could almost see the smile in Izaya's lilting voice.  
>"Dunno know what that means either."<br>"It means that I concede to the point. As of late I've wanted to just shut down my brain completely and have some peace. And if I can't sleep…"  
>"Then you can't rest your mind."<br>"Yes. It becomes hell."  
>"But you can sleep when I'm with you."<br>"Indeed. Maybe it's being alone that makes it so unbearable."  
>"Speaking of that, isn't it about time you put on your Bunny PJs?"<br>"Good point."  
>Izaya showered first and reappeared in white pajamas with a pink fur fringe and bunny ears.<br>"That one's new."  
>"I'm afraid I'll be stuck with this rabbit theme for a long, long time to come."<br>"Did your sisters get you tiger themed pajamas last year?"  
>"Oh yes. And I suppose you know the story about why there is no year of the cat?"<br>"Nah, there's a story?"  
>Izaya bounced and scurried under the blankets.<br>"I believe it is storytelling time. Do join me, Shizu-chan!"  
>"Heh, okay."<br>They lied side by side.  
>"A long, long time ago god decided to do something to celebrate the upcoming year. So he gathered all animals and told them, 'Dear animals, we are about to have a competition. Tomorrow is New Year's and the first twelve animals to reach my home at the top of the hill will have their say during a whole year. The order in which they arrive decides who gets allotted which year: so the first one gets this year, the second the following and so forth. So the animals got all hyped. Except Mister Cat who was slumbering throughout the entire thing. He asked Mister Mouse what was going and Mister Mouse told him about it. Except he fudged the time. He told Mister Cat that he had to present himself on the 2nd. So Mister Cat went back to doing what he likes best, slumbering."<p> 


	23. Chapter 23

Izaya carried on.  
>"So the order was decided as the Chinese Zodiac. Mouse, Ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, ram, monkey, rooster, dog, pig. Mister Cat promptly presented himself on the 2nd of January but, alas, just like a loan shark does not forgive an overdue debt it was too late. And that is why cats hate mice so much."<br>"Poor Mister Cat. He got left out."  
>Izaya mused.<br>"Most people say that. But I think Mister Mouse was the one who got the shorter end of the stick in the long term. If you think about it, it's true that he got his own year. But that is not the whole story. He also made an enemy for life and one that is considerably stronger and without a doubt deadly. Perhaps the moral of the story is that lying may get you what you want but what price?"  
>"I didn't think of that…yeah, I suppose you have a point."<br>"Also, when you and I think of cats we of course think of cuteness and fluffiness. But what does a mouse think when he thinks about cats? Claws and pure evil."  
>It was not lost to Shizuo that Izaya was very much like this as well.<br>"So it's a matter of perspective?"  
>"Exactly. And lies always come at a price. Always. There are no exceptions. Of course, some times the price is so low that you hardly notice it. Other times it is far too high. The trick is knowing when lying is worth it."<br>"Yeah…I can see that."  
>"'Especially in his profession', you're thinking. And that may very well be the case. But everybody lies."<br>"I guess."  
>"Of course such a statement is self-contradictory. If everybody lies then I can be lying in saying so. It creates an interesting paradox. But more importantly, why do people lie? The reasons vary greatly from case to case. So let's take a particular example: why do people lie online?"<br>"Hmm…I'm not into that kind of thing but I suppose it's because it's easier?"  
>"Precisely. They lie because it is considerably easier to get away with it. Not only is it easier to craft a lie as it is easier to keep others from spotting it."<br>"Yeah. No way people can tell if it's a lie or not unless it's real insane."  
>"But isn't that a reason not to lie? Peer pressure is considerably lower online unless of course you make it otherwise. But the very fact that it is difficult to detect a lie which is to say the lack of personal contact should be an incentive to actually tell the truth for that same reason: there is will be no repercussions to it. And yet people lie. Interesting, isn't it? The question is, what do they win from it."<br>"Win, you say…dunno, makes them feel better about themselves?"  
>"Yes. That is exactly it. One of the things that define human beings as such it is their self-esteem of lack thereof. People are willing to go to great lengths to improve it or to seem to have improved it. Even when there is no economical gain to be had."<br>It occurred to Shizuo that he was experiencing the inner workings of Izaya's mind first hand. Something that few if any could brag about.  
>"I still feel sorry for Mister Cat."<br>"Don't be, the feline family is already well represented by Mister Tiger."  
>"Yeah…I guess they are cousins. But it's still not very fair. I mean, the serpent and the dragon are related too and they both got in."<br>"Now hold it right now, Shizu-chan! Show some respect for the Zodiac animals. That is Mister Serpent and Mister Dragon to you."  
>"Heh, 'kay. Point taken. Want to have something to drink?"<br>"Don't mind if I do. I got you milk from that brand you like so much."  
>Izaya busied himself warming a mug for Shizuo. They moved to the kitchen. Shizuo noticed a new chair by the counter. It was tall and big but it still fit in the stylish kitchen.<br>"The Blue Cow one?"  
>"The one and only."<br>"Thanks."  
>"Do you like the chair? I got it for you."<br>Shizuo felt a tug at his heart.  
>"You didn't have to do that…."<br>Izaya joined him, legs swinging on his chair and waved in an all encompassing gesture.  
>"So, Shizu-chan. What do you think about my humble abode?"<br>Shizuo took a sip of warm milk after adding a few spoons of sugar.  
>"I like it. I mean, at first it seemed a bit cold. Like it wasn't 'home' but I think I get it now. It's just a different style of home. And it's so big."<br>"Ah yes, plenty of free space."  
>"It's something real rare in Tokyo."<br>"Want to move in with me?"


	24. Chapter 24

Shizuo started.  
>"You mean here…?"<br>"As you said yourself it is a very spacious apartment. There is more than enough room for two people. You can keep all of your things, of course. And all the privacy in the world."  
>Shizuo was still blinking and looking around in something of a daze.<br>"But…that is, I mean…"  
>"Don't worry, this isn't an ultimatum or anything along those lines. Feel free to take your time thinking it through and you can of course turn it down if you want."<br>Izaya played with his rabbit ears as Shizuo tried to process it.  
>"But you want us to live together…?"<br>"That's the gist of it, yes. I figured it makes sense given that you spend so much time here as it is and it would make me feel more at ease, to be honest. That way I'd know you'd be around."  
>Shizuo looked around once more.<br>"The rent must be through the roof. No way I could ever afford my part."  
>"About that, no need to worry. I wouldn't charge you. Since I don't pay rent myself. I own the whole building. And most of the block, actually."<br>"You do…?"  
>"Indeed. I've dabbled on real estate even if it's not something I'm passionate about. It's just a good way of making a yen."<br>Shizuo hesitated again.  
>"But I'd feel like living at your expense."<br>"Is that the problem? Tsk on you. Don't worry about it. Think about it this way, since _I_ want you here with me then you'd be doing me a favor by complying."  
>"You really want me to live with you?"<br>Izaya smoothed his bunny ears anew.  
>"That's what I've been saying for a while now. But there's no need to answer it right now."<br>"I don't know what to say…I mean, I'm flattered. Real flattered."  
>"Ah. That is usually the prelude to 'sorry but no can do.' It is the equivalent of the 'let's just be friends' speech although not half as disastrous. Don't look so scared, Shizu-chan. Accept or not, it won't change anything as far as I am concerned. Want some extra sugar-"<br>"I'll take it. If you're sure, if you don't mind, that is, then I'll take that offer."  
>It was Izaya's turn to blink.<br>"Oy, oy, no need to get so worked up over it. And you really shouldn't force yourself."  
>Izaya could tell that there was a switch in the mood as Shizuo leant forward, all intensity.<br>"I'm not forcing myself. It just seems too good to be real…"  
>"Shizuo, this is not something that once you decide you can't turn back or anything."<br>"I know but it's important- and you know that very well."  
>Izaya's smiled dimmed.<br>"Perhaps."  
>"That's why you're acting like it's nothing. So that things won't get weird."<br>Izaya sighed.  
>"Shizuo, let me tell you something very important that will probably come very handy in your future. There are things that became so by being said. Do you understand what I mean?"<br>"Not really…"  
>"For example, imagine a perfect date between two people. They both thought that it was so. Then, one asks the other, 'Was this date awful to you?'. And just by that it becomes awful. I mean situations that would not be awkward unless someone points out that they are indeed so. This is why one must always be very careful of what words one says. Words really do have power."<br>Shizuo laughed.  
>"One thing's for sure, living with you won't be boring."<br>"And another thing is for sure: no leaving underwear on the floor."  
>"Got it."<br>"Also, can you let me keep your teddy bear? I grew fond of it."  
>"Sure. No problem at all, Izaya."<p>

Izaya recognized the guy immediately. He jumped in front of Izaya and nearly blocked the narrow exit of the alley. Izaya jumped back instinctively. For a split second he was terrified then a sense of inner coldness filled him. Izaya prepared for an attack. Instead the man dropped on the ground on which he rested his head, bowing.  
>"Please tell Heiwajima not to kill me! Please! I'm sorry, I'm sorry for what I did!"<br>"I see. Why, you should have said that sooner. Do raise your head and get up."  
>Izaya's smile was picture perfect.<br>"You'll convince him?"  
>"Of course."<br>"Really? I got money, here-"  
>"Thing is, I'm the one killing you scumbags."<br>Izaya produced the gun and aimed straight at one of the guy's wide open eyes and shot without as much as blinking. At such a close range there was no escaping the blood. Not that Izaya even tried. The silencer made it a soundless kill.


	25. Chapter 25

"Like smoking, huh. One less to go."  
>Izaya could almost see a thread of smoke spiraling upwards. He spun around, by now used to the nausea of vertigo, and addressed the alley.<br>"Anyone else want to have a chat?"  
>He was still on alert mode and ready to shoot anew at the least sign of alarm. Izaya wiped the blood as he walked away. Suddenly he was running, blindly dashing down narrow labyrinths packed between walls.<p>

Something had gone terribly wrong. She crouched and flattened herself against a wall, her heart beating madly in her throat. She tried to squirm away but the man held her with hands that were groping all over her body. Her screams sounded muffled as if the alley played a trick on the acoustics of her panic. She struggled with all her might but could not even scratch the odious creature.  
>And then the monster disappeared in a splatter of blood and in its stead stood a young man with a gun.<br>"This is why little girls shouldn't wander around late at night."  
>She was on her feet and startled into strong gratitude. Without a doubt this young man was the most beautiful person she had ever seen.<br>"Wait, don't leave!"  
>"I'm afraid the trains are no longer running but you might still stay the rest of the night in a capsule hotel. Less psychos there."<br>A bundle of bills landed next to her, he was already making an exit.  
>"At least- at least let me thank you!"<br>Izaya turned around and for the first time actually looked at her.  
>"Well? Are you going to raise your head or just bow there until the next creep drops by to rape you?"<br>"Thank you. You saved me."  
>"Human scum needs be cleaned out."<br>She had to run to keep up with him. Neither one bothered looking at the twitching body left to cool by itself next to the piles of garbage .  
>"I'm Saki. Can you tell me your name?"<br>She was all in earnest.  
>"My name doesn't concern you. Hurry up and leave this place."<br>She could not follow as Izaya hauled himself to a fire escape ladder and disappeared into the night.

Tom spotted a moving truck parked in front of Shizuo's apartment. He halted, cigarette dnagling between two fingers and sure enough Shizuo emerged carrying a cardbox filled with bartender outfits.  
>"Shizuo? You're moving?"<br>"Yeah. I was going to tell you today but you got here first."  
>"I suppose it's a good idea. This place was too cramped. So, where are you moving to? A bigger place, I hope?"<br>Tom wondered if Shizuo could afford a better apartment. To his surprise Shizuo fumbled with the answer which led Tom to think that he had failed to pay rent and was about be thrown out. It did not add up but it was all that occurred to him. Tom was about to offer his help when Shizuo handed him a card, having secured the box in the truck.  
>"That's the new address."<br>Tom started and nearly dropped his cigarette.  
>"Shinjuku...? Wait, isn't this Orihara's place...?"<br>Shizuo blushed furiously.  
>"Yeah. I'm staying with him."<br>"Are you sure of this? I know Orihara's been helping you out but this is a bit..."  
>Tom too had not missed the trail of executions that Izaya left on his wake and he had no doubts as whom to blame.<br>"I know it seems weird but-"  
>Tom looked left and right and dragged him to a discrete place where they would not be overheard.<br>"Look, Shizuo, I don't think this is a good idea. I mean for your own you shouldn't get too involved."  
>"Sorry but I've already decided."<br>Tom knew just how stubborn Shizuo could be so he had no illusions, this was a lost cause.  
>"Let's just talk about this. Breakfast is on me."<br>"I guess commuting will be a bit annoying."  
>This was the least of Shizuo's concerns as far as Tom could see. He watched Shizuo chew thoughtfully on honey soaked pancakes.<br>"Shizuo, what exactly is your relationship with Orihara?"  
>The question gave Shizuo pause.<br>"Relationship, huh...dunno. Guess we're friends."  
>"You guess...?"<br>Shizuo frowned. Not in anger but as a result of trying to process his thoughts and emotions. The synthesis refused to emerge in clear cut terms and that alone was already telling.  
>"Can't explain it."<p> 


	26. Chapter 26

And Shizuo decided not to think too much about it. Still, as he sat with Izaya for dinner after unpacking everything Shizuo found himself wanting to make many questions to get to the heart of Izaya's motivations. Something stopped him from doing so. To make up for this reticence Shizuo watched Izaya very closely without letting it show. Izaya seemed very happy as he handed Shizuo a plateful of tofu.  
>"See, there is so much room that you may develop agoraphobia. Let us hope you don't turn into a hikikomori over this."<br>"What's agoraphobia?"  
>"Fear of open spaces and the outdoors."<br>Ironically enough Izaya suffered from something very akin to it himself.  
>"I don't have that. But yeah, your place is huge."<br>"'Our place', Shizu-chan."  
>"Yeah."<br>Shizuo paid close attention to Izaya and saw nothing to justify the gnawing worry that he could not quite escape. But Shizuo did care for his hunches. He glanced briefly at his things neatly arranged in shelves. They seemed dwarfed by the environment and almost neutralized as objects that belonged to Heiwajima Shizuo. It was a strange feeling. Shizuo could not pin it down. He expected Izaya to be his sarcastic self about how little Shizuo had in terms of personal properties but Izaya had issued no comment at all. Not even the many bartender outfits seemed worthy of a snarky snide. Shizuo was thankful for this but at the same time a bit puzzled.  
>"Here."<br>Izaya slid a key across the table.  
>"Thanks."<br>It was heavy with reinforced metal. Shizuo turned it over his hands as if it was a precious antique.  
>"Shizuo, be very careful so as not to lose the key. It is very important that you keep it with you at all times. I'll be changing the locks again in the near future but until then this one will do."<br>There was not as much as a hint of Izaya's easy cheer. He was concentration and staring unwavering at Shizuo.  
>"I got it."<br>Shizuo almost asked why Izaya wanted to replace the brand new lock again but he knew that it was Izaya's borderline paranoia over security. Shizuo pocketed the key and made a mental note to keep get a chain to hang it around his neck.

Izaya found about it before any news outlet reported it. He dashed to Shiki's office and was admitted despite being very obviously about to snap. Which happened as soon as Shiki waved his goons away.  
>"You had no right, absolutely no fucking <em>right<em>."  
>Shiki did not even blink and rolled a cigarette calmly. Izaya's eyebrow twitched.<br>"If you mean this recent execution that was not my doing."  
>"Oh really, who was it, then?"<br>"You tell me. You're the informant."  
>Izaya nearly clawed at the sleek desk. His cell phone rang and Izaya had half a mind to stomp on it until it grew quiet again. But fortunately he picked it up instead, his one visible eye growing wide and then narrowing as he listened. Izaya had donned the eyepatch. And with this he spun on his heels and was gone. Leaving Shiki to wonder and to take a thoughful drag from the cigarette, gazing at the spiral of smoke as it snaked upwards toward the ceiling.<p>

"Yagiri, this is the last time you interfere in my business like this. They were my prey, why the hell did you kill them? What am I supposed to do now?"  
>Izaya did not even bother to sound levelheaded. His fury blended into righteous indignation and upped the ante into sheer blind rage.<br>"You should thank me. Now that they're all dead they can't plot anything. Why are you so upset?"  
>Izaya took a step in her direction. Very slowly.<br>"Why? Why, you ask? You just ruined everything! I had plans, they were not supposed to just die without getting their due first!"  
>Just when he thought it could not get worse he spotted Shizuo standing by.<br>"Shizu-chan...? You're in this too...?"  
>"I asked Yagiri-san to help. I'm sorry but I didn't want to see what this revenge was doing to you. It's doing you more wrong than good-"<br>"Fuck you! That's not up to you to fucking decide! What the hell is this, the Namie/Shizuo anti-Izaya party?"  
>"I don't understand why you are upset. I eliminated the problem for you."<br>"Shut up, Namie. And you, Shizuo...we're done talking. Get out of my sight and stay that way. I mean it."  
>"Izaya-"<br>"Don't you get it? Killing them was all I had!"  
>"And that's the whole problem, Izaya."<p> 


	27. Chapter 27

"What's that supposed to mean?"  
>"If you feel that all you have is your revenge then it's just too sad."<br>Shizuo knew when someone was about to truly snap. He had, after all, seen it many a time and had experienced it far too often. So he could tell Izaya was reaching a critical point. He expected flailed, even downward aggression and was fully prepared for it. What he did not expect, however, was for Izaya to take a deep breath and smile in such a way that made chills run down Shizuo's spine. Even Namie could sense a shift and prudently left the scene.  
>"I see. I see what is going on. You were never on my side. Of course, I should have realized it. The one rule on how to survive this city. Trust no one. Believe no one."<br>"Izaya-"  
>"Tell Yagiri that she's fired."<br>"Wait, you can't just-"  
>"Don't you fucking touch me."<br>Shizuo had only grabbed Izaya's arm to detain him but Izaya reacted as if an electric shock went through his body.  
>"You know I don't want to hurt you. I only did this for your good."<br>"Shizuo, in case you haven't noticed I am a grown man. I get to decide what is good for me and what isn't."  
>"And down deep you know I'm right. Don't you see that by being so obsessed you're letting them win? If revenge is controlling your life then you're not even a bit free. And the Orihara Izaya I know-"<br>"Shut up. I loathe lectures and I certainly won't be hearing one from you, of all people."  
>Again Izaya made as if to leave and Shizuo blocked his exit route by firmly planting his body in its way.<br>"You're not going anywhere until we talk. We _have_ to talk. I can't really explain it but leaving things without being said will only make everything worse. Much worse. So just stay and heard me out."  
>Izaya cooly stared him up and down. Shizuo almost shivered. Izaya tilted his head every so slightly to the side.<br>"If you insist on being this way then I'll have to just make you move, won't I?"  
>Sounding almost conversational until he calmly produced a sleek gun from his pocket and aimed it squarely at Shizuo. If there had been any doubt in Shizuo's mind that Izaya was heading toward a downward spiral then this removed it entirely.<br>"What, you'll shoot me now?"  
>"I won't if you step aside and let me pass. The ball's on your court. I suppose with your super strength you might not even feel it but rest assured that I will shoot you if it comes to that."<br>And Shizuo could very much believe it.  
>"Izaya, no matter how you look at it...those guys are all dead now. You don't have to worry anymore-"<br>"They're not dead in my mind. As long as I don't kill them they'll always be lurking in my thoughts, in my nightmares. That's what you took away from me, the chance of getting rid of them for good. I hope that you are satisfied with yourself."  
>Shizuo took a step forward, straight toward the barrel of the gun.<br>"I was there too. Are you forgetting that?"  
>"I'm not-"<br>"Yes you are. You are getting too wrapped up in the shit you're going through to see anything else."  
>"So you think that you can just stand there and lecture me? Fuck you!"<br>Shizuo shook his head sadly.  
>"I'm saying that I understand how that feels. I've been there. That is why...that is why I know that I can't let you stay in the bad headspace you're in."<br>"Oh really, so you think you owe me now? That you have to pay me back? Screw that."  
>"No, that's not even it, Izaya."<br>"Then what the hell is it?"  
>Izaya's voice reminded Shizuo of a wire too taunt and about to backlash.<br>"It's probably because I love you."  
>Izaya did not drop the gun but he did blink.<br>"Not funny, Shizuo. Not even remotely funny."  
>"Good, because it's not supposed to be funny."<br>For a small eternity they remained deadlocked. At length Izaya lowered the gun. Shizuo was waiting for this but he still did not move.  
>"Just...leave me alone."<br>Izaya merely sounded exhausted.  
>"You'll be fine. I know you will."<br>"How about us, then?"


	28. Chapter 28

"By us you mean-"  
>"I mean precisely what I said. I'm not exactly clueless and I do understand human nature. It is almost a cliché by now but it is the truth. I am very much aware that we are not exactly 'just friends.'"<br>"What would we say we are then, Izaya?"  
>Shizuo kept his voice very soft lest the tone troubled Izaya. It occurred to him that it was a silly caution to have when going into such touchy territory but Shizuo did not want to even sound confrontational.<br>"I don't really know myself. I suppose we are between being friends and- and a couple. But we can't possibly be lovers."  
>Izaya shook his head as if denying his own statements. Shizuo hesitated before prying the gun from Izaya's hand and placing it away. This was a conversation to be had without instruments of death standing by.<br>"Do you mean because you can't have sex? That really doesn't matter-"  
>"It matters to me."<br>Izaya looked him straight in the eye.  
>"Time will take care of it, it's all in your mind."<br>"Easy for you to say. I hate being like this- but it's not just that I can't do it, the mere thought of anything even remotely sexual makes me feel like throwing up. I get sick to my stomach, literally. That was why I wanted to keep you around, to have you move in with me- that way I wouldn't feel too much like a freak for being this way, since it meant I could enjoy physical contact even if it's just- just sleeping side by side."  
>"I'm fine with sleeping side by side."<br>Izaya smiled very sadly.  
>"You say that now."<br>"If that's the thing stopping you from accepting that we could be a couple then it's not really a problem."  
>Izaya inhaled deeply and sighed audibly. He looked absolutely exhausted and wan.<br>"Why did you have to say it? Why couldn't you just let things be the way they were."  
>"I'm not demanding anything, Izaya. Just saying how I feel about you."<br>Spelling out the obvious. But it was necessary.  
>"You don't understand. The other day I tried to watch some porn and it did make me sick. To the point I could not get past five minutes of it."<br>"You don't have to force yourself like this."  
>Shizuo could feel a literal tug at his heart.<br>"There's no way we can remain as we were now. Couples are supposed to..."  
>Izaya trailed off and sobbed. But he gathered himself to add rapidly,<br>"I won't settle for a charade couple. We can't be a couple if there's no sex."  
>"Then we won't call it a couple, if you don't want. As long as you allow me to be with you then we'll work out something."<br>Izaya wiped a tear with a jerky gesture as if he was embarrassed. Shizuo touched the hand very briefly.  
>"I don't understand just why you'd need to cling to me. If it is just gratitude then-"<br>"That's not it. Of course I'm grateful for you but it's more to it than that. It's wanting to be with you more than with anyone else."  
>"As long as stick with me you'll never be able to forget what happened."<br>Shizuo cupped his cheek very softly.  
>"That's okay. Forgetting isn't good anyway. We have to work through it."<br>Izaya's laugh sounded hollow in its briefness and out of place.  
>"'We'? Seems like you've managed to sort through the trauma or whatever you want to call it just fine."<br>"I'm not too sure of that myself. But either way I want to be with you."  
>Izaya apparently did not hear a word of it.<br>"Why can't I be that as well. Why can't I just get over it. I just...I just want to be myself."  
>"Orihara Izaya is Orihara Izaya. That's something that doesn't change, it's just who you are, and it's a good thing."<br>Perhaps because Shizuo sounded rather awkward as he resorted to borderline clichés that were profoundly true, it was simply that Shizuo had yet to master the art of articulating himself, Izaya relaxed into an actual smile.  
>"Shizuo, you need to work a bit on your conversation skills."<br>"Then it's great that I'll be sticking with you cuz you're great with that. Can teach me some tips."  
>"Ah but let us not forget of how my interlocutors tend to be seized by a need to jump to their deaths."<br>"So you keep saying."


	29. Chapter 29

"Because it's true. The things it does to a guy's ego, you have no idea. One moment you're pouring your heart out to someone and the next moment they plummet because hearing you is simply too awful."  
>"I doubt that's how it goes."<br>"Ah, you're just trying to make me feel better."  
>"That's not it. I know you won't 'pour your heart out' to just anyone."<br>"True."  
>Izaya did not need say that he had just done some now. But he wanted to make amends.<br>"Shizuo, I'm sorry I pointed a gun at you. That's not a very nice thing to do to my boyfriend."  
>Shizuo started.<br>"Did you just say-"  
>"Aye, aye, don't get all puppy eyed on me. It's creepy."<br>Shizuo kissed his forehead.

Shinra adjusted his glasses.  
>"So, got any nice pills to help me out?"<br>It could be annoying how Izaya made himself at home anywhere he went. He sat at the edge of the seat and crossed a leg over the opposite knee with all the carefree attitude in the world. Shinra knew that it was a good signal that meant that Izaya was back recovering but this was a conversation he did not want to have.  
>"Shizuo already asked me something to that effect minus the illegal drugs."<br>"He did? Ah. I see. Anyway, can you fix me up with some glorious meds?"  
>Shinra folded his arms and put on his game face. It was often difficult to communicate something serious when Izaya was in his sardonic mood.<br>"No I don't. And don't go running to Namie either."  
>Izaya remained nunplussed but he played with his cup as if to mask a certain nervousness.<br>"Come on now, I'm sure you've got something to help me. I always pay generously."  
>"That's not the point. Look, I won't say I understand all you've been going through but the best way to heal is not to try. Don't make an effort, just live from day to day and let things take care of themselves."<br>Izaya eased back into the sofa and lifted his eyes to the ceiling.  
>"Yes, I suppose that is for the best but you can't blame me for trying."<br>"No magical cures, Izaya."  
>"I know, I know. It's ironic. I used to sleep around a lot, now that I can't have sex at all I land myself in a relationship."<br>Shinra was silent for a while.  
>"'Landing yourself' is a strange way of putting it. Is it Shizuo?"<br>"Ah. Yes. Weird, isn't it? How things worked out. I don't know how to get about it."  
>"And that was the real reason why you dropped by? I hope so. Because I can't say I care for your idea of 'solve all' pill that would only make things worse."<br>Izaya smiled briefly and leant into something of a hunch, holding the cup with both hands. He no longer wore the eyepatch but as improved as his eyesight was he still acted as if half blind. It was not a mere bodily phenomenon but more a projection of deeper issues that surfaced too in the way he searched for a place to stand in his new circumstances. Shinra knew that the real struggle was just beginning. Izaya had reacted to deep shock with instinctive vitality that narrowed the scope of his attention to revenge.  
>Without that goal he was now forced to truly think and assess his life anew.<br>"It's just that you've been in a relationship for a long time. I thought you'd give me some pointers."  
>Shinra mused.<br>"Hmm...the most useful thing I can say is, don't too caught up 'winning' to lose sight of what is important and try not to let the sun go down on an argument."  
>Izaya blinked. Then chuckled.<br>"My, that was poetic of you! But thanks. I'll keep it in mind."  
>"You're leaving?"<br>"I don't want to impose on you. Believe it or not I can be very polite and considerate."  
>"Going back home to Shizuo?"<br>Izaya rolled his eyes but was not at all upset. Just slightly awkward as the light blush on his cheeks entailed.  
>"You're making it sound like I'm a housewife eager to flutter back to hubby dearest."<br>The image amused Izaya greatly and he burst into a fit of giggles.  
>"I have to say that I had some serious doubt about you and Shizuo being in a relationship at all. But it seems you're on your way to getting back on your feet and Shizuo looks happier than I ever saw him. Who knows, maybe what you really needed all these years was each other."<br>Shinra expected Izaya to dismiss this with a laugh.


	30. Chapter 30

"I guess it was."  
>"Don't go breaking Shizuo's heart now."<br>"I won't. If he doesn't break mine first."  
>It was a strange thing coming from Izaya.<br>"Wait a sec. How serious are you about this?"  
>Izaya shrugged and smiled half apolegetically.<br>"I'm not about to burst into rapturous declarations of undying affection. I leave that to you entirely. But if you think I'd actually ask for your advice without being serious then I'm afraid you've erred in assessing my character."  
>Shinra adjusted his glasses.<br>"Fair enough. Good luck."  
>"Luck? No need for that. I make my own luck."<p>

It was their first night as an official couple. Both were all too aware of the fact and for that same reason struggled to avoid acting as if they did. Izaya had seen it many a time. After voicing a genuine desire to make a crucial change people relapsed into doing precisely what they had henceforth done. Not that their resolution had at all faltered but because they feared that acting on it immediately would jinx everything.  
>Izaya wanted to show off his cooking skills but that would include the handling of knives. He was not taking any chances tonight. It was possible that he would be able now to use sharp things without being too distressed but the opposite was more likely. So Izaya settled for a date of sorts in which both of them had to the deal with something very unfamiliar.<br>"Behold, Shizu-chan. It is called 'balut'."  
>"It's an egg...?"<br>Shizuo could tell there was more to it just by the way Izaya rubbed his hands.  
>"It's a fertilized egg with the chick inside. Very popular in the South of Asia."<br>"Ah...is it any good...?"  
>Izaya beamed.<br>"I have no idea. I never tried it before. You and I are on even footing here."  
>Shizuo eyed the delicacy suspiciously. Izaya had to smile.<br>"Does it have feathers? I'm sure I wouldn't like that."  
>"No feathers. From what I've heard it's delicious and you can eat everything. Even the beak!"<br>"This is worse than chicken feet..."  
>Izaya folded his arms and shook his head.<br>"Now, now, let us not discriminate against foreign cuisine. I hear it all the time, outsiders who are not familiar with the wonders of sushi calling us barbarians for eating 'raw fish'. Ah, my heart breaks at it. It shatters into so many pieces, aye."  
>Shizuo laughed.<br>"I bet. Wait, is this raw chicken...?"  
>Shizuo was not at all pleased at the thought. Izaya chuckled.<br>"No, it is boiled. Boiled alive, even!"  
>"Ouch...poor chick."<br>Izaya looked most solemn as he united his hands, bowed his head and closed his eyes.  
>"Let us make a moment of silence for the chick who has died to fill our tummies. Let us hope that its deliciousness will gain it instant nirvana and its sacrifice allow its soul to escape the cycle of samsara. Amen."<br>"'Amen'?"  
>"Just covering all bases. Let's dig in!"<br>Shizuo turned the egg in his hands.  
>"How do you even eat this...?"<br>"You eat it in the shell."  
>Shizuo stared at it.<br>"You can take a bite and tell me if it's good?"  
>Izaya sighed dramatically.<br>"That won't do, Shizu-chan. It really won't. We're a couple so we do things together,"  
>"Izaya-"<br>"Also, think about the chick. It died for you! If you don't eat it its death will be in vain. And it never got to live either, it adds to the tragedy."  
>Shizuo was still trying to come to terms with Izaya's disclosure and how it was mixed with his strange sense of humor.<br>"Yeah, I'll eat it. But you'll have to eat yours too."  
>"Of course. We take the same bite at the same time. Deal?"<br>Shizuo nodded.  
>"Okay. Let me just unpeel it. This sure is weird."<br>"So it is."  
>It took quite a while to achieve this. Shizuo's fingers were not delicate and he was afraid of ruining the very frail looking egg. Shizuo grimaced at the sight of the small bird coccooned inside the remaining shell.<br>"Shizu-chan, you're a brave soul. It is now or never!"  
>Shizuo half expected Izaya to bail out at the very last moment and leave him to sample this exotic treat alone. But Izaya took a bite as did Shizuo. They chewed in silence until Shizuo broke it.<br>"Hey, this is actually pretty good."  
>"The chick thanks thee kindly."<br>Shizuo had to refrain the impulse to say something that would embarrass them both.


	31. Chapter 31

Something about how happy he was to be with Izaya and how impossible it was to imagine life without him. It was strange how they had becomed connected at an elemental level. Shizuo was so caught up in such reflections that his fingers lost purchase as he unpeeled and the egg went flying from his hands to land in another table. Izaya was on his feet immediately, applying the eyepatch so fast that Shizuo did not even see it and hopping to the table with a flourish and a bow.  
>"Ah, please forgive me. I can only see with my good eye and I must have miscalculated."<br>"No problem."  
>"Thank you for your understanding."<br>Izaya retrieved the balut with another graceful bow and returned to his seat.  
>"Shizu-chan, what do you know. The chick got to fly! Granted, it was a short flight but still it should be taken into account. I am sure that it will so happier for it. So go ahead and eat it."<br>Shizuo opened and closed his mouth and then laughed.  
>"You can be real funny, Izaya."<br>"Comic genius is more like it. I'm getting the hang of this too."  
>And indeed Izaya seemed to have figured out a method for eating balut.<br>"Who knew this was tasty."  
>"There's the broth, too."<br>They chattered throughout dinner. Izaya sighed at the end of the meal.  
>"I'm full and I hope I don't end up becoming fat."<br>"Nah, you're real thin."  
>"I prefer 'lithe'."<br>"Not too sure I know what that means..."  
>"That's what dictionaries are for, Shizu-chan. And I have plenty of them at home. So let's get going."<br>But they took their own time strolling down the street, enjoying the buzz of night in the city. Izaya relished in it and kept himself from skipping so that they could walk side by side. It made Shizuo tempted to hold hands. To occupy himself he produced a cigarette then spotted a non-smoking sign.  
>"It's like they do it on purpose, this signs...when I don't want to smoke I never see one, the moment I want to smoke they're all over the place."<br>Izaya giggled and twirled around smoothly. Apparently effortlessly but Shizuo knew how much coordination the routine required and visual acuity. It made Shizuo feel happy enough to hug him. Which he refrained from doing.  
>"That's because human beings are superstitious."<br>"Huh? I don't follow."  
>"It's the same reason why psychics get away with what is nothing but trickery. People count the hits and discount the misses. For example, out of ten questions that they ask if the psychic can answer three they are impressed because their brain did not lock around the fact that there were seven questions that were not answered correctly. That's a 70% failure rate but because they were only focused on the positive they missed it entirely. A very interesting trait in human psychology. Same applies here. The signs are everywhere all the time but you do not notice them when you don't want to smoke because they are irrelevant and as such become invisible. You do notice them when you want to smoke because suddenly they have a direct bearing on your wants. It is quite simple once broken down."<br>"At times you can be frightening, you know?"  
>"Heh, of course I know. But I didn't mean to come across that way just now. None of this is all that advanced and not at all secret. It's been researched at length."<br>"I bet."  
>Shizuo wanted to sweep him into his arms.<br>"Okay, Shizu-chan. Bookstores close late so I am calling for an extension of this amazing date with knowledge."  
>Shizuo spent the following hour following Izaya from shelf to shelf as he pointed out titles and read bits and passages. Within five seconds of it Shizuo was utterly lost and unable to follow so he simply gave up on that and enjoyed Izaya's happiness instead. Izaya's enthusiasm was without darker undertones and even as he delved into rather disturbing theories about human behavior he remained as bright eyed as a child. Shizuo wondered if anyone had realized just how much like a kid Izaya could be.<br>"I'm getting this one for you."  
>"'Anger management'?"<br>"You don't seem to need it anymore but still."  
>"Thanks."<br>"See it as an investment in your future."  
>"I really love you."<br>To Shizuo it seemed like a natural follow up. Izaya glanced about in a furtive manner.  
>"That's fine and dandy but this isn't the Castro District so let's not have that kind of talk in public."<p> 


	32. Chapter 32

Shizuo did not expect this to hurt. He was wrong.  
>"The what...?"<br>"Look, such things do not exactly fly around here so-"  
>"Why are you, of all people, following rules that other people came up with?"<br>"It's not like that."  
>"What is it like, then? Are you ashamed of- of us?"<br>Izaya flailed.  
>"Let's not talk about this here."<br>Somehow Shizuo endured having Izaya buy some books but as soon as they left the store he dragged him to an alley to have a proper conversation of the private kind. He had the best intentions but the result backfired all too soon. Shizuo could tell exactly the moment when he lost Izaya. Fear glazed his eyes and his body seemed to deflate. Shizuo had to catch him.  
>"Oy, Izaya! Get a hold of yourself!"<br>Izaya's nails bit into Shizuo's arms.  
>"Can't see-"<br>"It's just dark in here. It's okay, you can see just fine. It's okay."  
>But still Izaya shivered. Shizuo picked him up and carried him to a nearby park where he placed him in a well illuminated spot, a bench right next to a lamp post. Izaya took a few moments to gather himself. Shizuo gave him time.<br>"Sorry about that. Utterly uncool."  
>"It was my fault. Are you alright?"<br>Izaya nodded.  
>"I'm fine. That was just...one of those things, I wasn't expecting it so it shook me up."<br>"I just wanted to have a talk right away...should have waited until we were home together. Sorry..."  
>Izaya smiled with a hint of sadness.<br>"You just called it 'home'. I like that. So, let's have this conversation you want."  
>"It can wait."<br>"I don't think it can. Shizu-chan, it took me such a long time to get you to actually speak that I want to hear you out now."  
>Shizuo picked his words very carefully before he began.<br>"It's just that you don't seem to want us to act like a couple in public...it's a bit painful, you know?"  
>"Ah. So that is it. I have my reasons, you know. I just don't want things to become more difficult than they already are. With so many things stacked against us, I'd rather not add to it by making it too public."<br>"I can understand that."  
>"For the time being can we just keep things as they are?"<br>Izaya was not pleading but Shizuo could sense his anxiety.  
>"Sure. Let's do that."<br>Izaya stretched very much like a kitten and just like one landed gracefully on his feet as he jumped from the bench.  
>"Cheer up, Shizu-chan. We have something wonderful, we are both human. No one can take that away from us!"<br>Shizuo laughed. This made everything well between them. Which was not to say that it was at all perfect but that both were equally steeped in their relationship, willing and able to communicate.  
>"That's a bit mean of you."<br>"Not that at all! It is the truth. Now, if I were to add that, say, Shinra and Celty must struggle quite a lot with their difference in species, that may be construed as being somewhat 'mean'. But it would still be the truth!"  
>"Heh, only you."<br>"By the way, where are the books?"  
>"I dropped them..."<br>"Silly you. Go find them. In the name of knowledge!"  
>"Okay but I don't want to leave you alone here and taking you back there is..."<br>"I'll catch a cab and wait for you home."  
>Shizuo could most definitely get used to the new implications that the word 'home' had acquired.<br>"Okay. See you soon."

Shizuo was more than a bit apprehensive as he hurried back home. He kept imagining Izaya alone in the dark apartment, huddled in a corner and shivering in shock. Shizuo's hands trembled a bit as he inserted the key in the lock.  
>"Izaya?"<br>"Surprise! Look what I got you."  
>Izaya smiled and handed Shizuo some garment.<br>"It's- bunny PJ's for me?"  
>"Indeed. Yellow to match your hair, too. These had to be made custom made, mind you. There isn't a market for these in your size. Change into it! I want to see and mock you, I mean, and offer my kind comments."<br>"Ah...so you do want to make fun of me."  
>Izaya put on his most innocent face.<br>"Never. I mock no one. Now change!"  
>Shizuo felt beyond silly as he slipped into the new clothes. The ears kept falling in front of his eyes.<br>"This isn't very practical."  
>"Once you go bunny ears you just can't go back. You'll see."<br>Izaya nodded very solemnly. Shizuo chuckled.  
>"If you say so."<p> 


	33. Chapter 33

"And just you wait, my sisters got me some new pajamas. Stay tuned!"  
>Izaya scurried away and returned wearing a glittery suit with glossy purple bunny ears.<br>"Wow, that's…extreme."  
>"Look, the buttons are tiny carrots. I feel so pretty."<br>Izaya batted his eyelashes. Shizuo laughed.  
>"It's a bit cabaret like?"<br>"Oh yes, it's the hostess version. Shooting for Playmate here. I'm amazed it's not a babydoll or something along those lines."  
>"But you're a guy…"<br>Izaya shook his head, the ears flopping about comically.  
>"Do you honestly think Mairu and Kururi care much one way or another?"<br>"Good point."  
>Izaya hopped for show then dived under the blankets in bed.<br>"Sleepy Usagiya is sleepy."  
>"Why do you say the same thing twice, I never got it."<br>"Emphasis, Shizu-chan. Emphasis. And let us hope these ears don't end up strangling me in my sleep, wouldn't that be ironic. Unless that was the whole point. I wouldn't put it past Mairu, no."  
>"Oh come on, she wouldn't do that."<br>"Not too sure…Shizu-chan….evil little sister, plotting…poor me, can't win…'night…"  
>Shizuo watched Izaya drift asleep. Izaya's smile grew dreamy and much sweeter than it ever was when he was awake. It amused Shizuo and he was tempted to take a picture. In the end he did just that. He could always tease Izaya later. Shizuo was not particularly sleepy but he was glad that Izaya was getting some well needed rest. Emotional upheaval took its toll and it showed in the physical front as well.<br>Shizuo reflected about their first date. Not at all what Shizuo had expected but that was Izaya through and through, always a curveball. Shizuo was not someone to make plans for the future but as of late he found himself wondering just what tomorrow had to offer. For the time being Shizuo wanted them to clinch a routine in which they were both comfortable.  
>It only seemed easy in theory. Shizuo was confident that they could pull through, though. Regardless of what life had to throw at them it could hardly be much worse than what they had overcome already.<br>Shizuo petted Izaya's bunny ears. Izaya cuddled with a pillow. Very cute, Shizuo had to take another picture. They would have fun watching the shots in the morning.  
>Shizuo must have dozed off because the last thing he knew Izaya had ditched the pillow and rolled so as to lie on top of him. Shizuo was startled and much more so as soft lips brushed then tasted his own.<br>"Izaya…?"  
>"Shhh, don't talk."<br>But of course Shizuo had a lot of things to say. Izaya took the opportunity as Shizuo opened his mouth to go for a deep slow kiss that left Shizuo breathless and a bit dazed. It jolted Shizuo fully awake. Izaya straddled him and brushed fingertips along Shizuo's chest through the fabric of the pajamas. Shizuo felt something hard against his groin.  
>"Oh…"<br>Izaya whispered into Shizuo's ear.  
>"Want to do this, Shi-zu-chan?"<br>Shizuo hardly knew what to say. The thrill of arousal was contagious. There was a hint of slyness to Izaya's voice that denoted control. Shizuo found it unbelievably sexy.  
>"Are you sure about this?"<br>"Trust me, I know what I'm doing."  
>Izaya slid out of his clothes and turned on the bedside table and smiled as Shizuo gasped.<br>"Wow…"  
>"Always great to make you speechless. And I believe in seeing what I'm doing."<br>Shizuo could only stare. The cuts had receded under Izaya's smooth milky skin. Izaya stood in naked glory while Shizuo was still lying on his back. As a result Izaya seemed imposing in an effortlessly seductive way. Izaya placed his hands on slim hips and smiled almost wickedly. Not at all girlish, Shizuo noticed as an afterthought.  
>"Like what you see, Shizu-chan?"<br>Shizuo nodded.  
>"Yeah…I sure do."<br>Izaya stretched then dropped to a crouch. Predatorily so.  
>"That's great because it's all yours."<br>Izaya removed the top of Shizuo's pajamas and took his own sweet time removing the bottom. Shizuo enjoyed having Izaya take care of things like for all sorts of reasons but he now took the initiative of cupping Izaya's face and reeling him into a sloppy but very meaningful kiss.  
>"Are you really sure-"<br>"Shizu-chan? Stop asking and let's get to it."


	34. Chapter 34

Shizuo had never seen this glitter in Izaya's eyes before. The flutter in his chest had nothing to do with lust but it fed it. Shizuo realized just why it was that so many girls fell head over heels with Izaya. He brushed Izaya's sides feeling the deceptively fragile body, there was lean muscle underneath, the source of his natural agility. At the back of his mind Shizuo registered that it was obvious, otherwise Izaya could never have mastered his parkour moves, but it brought home that in bed Izaya was a dynamic force to be reckoned with.  
>And then all thoughts ceased because Izaya was kissing him anew and it wiped clean Shizuo's mind. Shizuo acted out of his instinct, hands sliding around Izaya's back and feeling it until squeezing the firm buttocks. Izaya moaned and leant forward slightly, just enough to bring their two erections into contact.<br>Shizuo's felt a charge of energy surge through him. It was unlike anything he had ever experienced. Izaya sucked at the hollow of Shizuo's neck hard enough to leave marks but Shizuo was not complaining. High collars had been invented for a reason after all.  
>Izaya slipped his fingers into Shizuo's mouth and Shizuo caught the drift right away. Shizuo licked Izaya's fingers and sucked on them.<br>"Shizu-chan, lube is in the bedside table drawer. I'll get it."  
>Clearly Izaya did not plan on letting Shizuo take the initiative. Shizuo wondered about it then realized that Izaya had much more experience and more importantly was in need of being in control. Izaya poured a general amount of lube on Shizuo's right middle finger and guided it into Izaya's puckered hole.<br>"Wiggle it about."  
>"Sure…it's so tight…"<br>Izaya giggled.  
>"Oh, you silly head. You are horrible at kinky talk."<br>"Didn't mean it that way…"  
>"You're not wiggling."<br>Shizuo expected that a lot of preparation would be needed but his finger had already pried into Izaya when hands dug into Shizuo's strong shoulders almost like talons.  
>"That's enough, the waiting is killing me."<br>Izaya poured the remaining lube on Shizuo's erection and lowered himself until it was fully sheathed inside his body. Shizuo was not quite ready for the intense heat that closed in on him. He gasped at it and Izaya took the opportunity for slowing a sloppy kiss even as he began to grind his hips against Shizuo. It was already difficult for Shizuo to keep his mind from turning to mush and it became increasingly more clouded as Izaya leant forward and moaned into Shizuo's ear, the voice a mix of warmth and unashamed desire.  
>"Shizu-chan, I don't think I'll last much…"<br>Izaya smiled almost apologetically before he began riding Shizuo with frantic speed. Shizuo was fascinated watching, the rocking motion had a swaying grace to it and did not lose a beat. The rhythm involved Shizuo who simply had to spread his legs to offer Izaya some leverage.  
>Sweat and pre-cum dripped on Shizuo as Izaya picked up his pace. Shizuo steadied Izaya by placing his hands on slender hips, careful not to bruise him. Shizuo did not lose sight of his tremendous strength and that he needed to keep it curbed.<br>Izaya tensed up suddenly, clinging to Shizuo as if for dear life. Semen splashed all over Shizuo even as redoubled tightness toppled him over. He released into Izaya's still convulsing insides. Shared orgasm buoyed them up. Izaya placed his forehead against Shizuo's heaving chest, panting.  
>"Dizzy…"<br>"Izaya? Are you alright?"  
>A stab of worry cut through Shizuo's afterglow. Izaya waved it away and lazily slid sideways until he was curled on his side in bed.<br>"Fine, Shizu-chan…it's just been a long time, lost my touch a tad…so sleepy, zero stamina."  
>Shizaya blushed as he saw the trail of white stuff snaking out of Izaya's buttocks. Izaya smile's grew vague, his eyes closing of their own accord.<br>"So you're okay?"  
>"Will hurt like hell in the morning…but so good…"<br>"Sorry…"  
>Izaya mustered enough energy to put on a serious face.<br>"Shizu-chan, you never ever apologize for hot sex. It's a sin."  
>Shizuo laughed and kissed Izaya's lips, Izaya kissed back and made himself comfortable with the pillows.<br>"Just go to sleep, you're tired."  
>"Ah, it's sleepy time for Usagiya goes nighty night…"<p> 


	35. Chapter 35

Shizuo caressed Izaya's cheek and could not help but smile. Izaya drifted to slumber, a dreamy expression softening him. A feeling he could not understand made him almost afraid. Shizuo realized that it was happiness and as such frighteningly fragile.  
>Shizuo wiped Izaya clean and covered him with a sheet before joining him. Sleep did not come that easily to Shizuo. He thought about how strange life was, how unlikely it was that he and Izaya should be like this and yet how weirdly right it felt. Izaya should surely word it in a complicated way but to Shizuo it sufficed to say that it was how it should be.<br>Izaya cuddled next to him and before Shizuo too fell asleep he cast a kiss on Izaya's forehead.

Shizuo woke up in the morning with a scent he could not quite place. Then he saw Izaya waving incense sticks.  
>"What are you doing?"<br>"Burning incense in honor of the great holy balut, what else!"  
>"Ah…I don't follow…"<br>Izaya rolled his eyes.  
>"In token of my undying gratitude. Balut is known for its aphrodisiac power and clearly it worked! Oh great balut, You holiest of chicks, may you fly to Buddha's garden, heaven or whatever suits your fancy."<br>Shizuo chuckled and ruffled Izaya's hair.  
>"You can be so weird."<br>"Tch, just because I have a proper sense of respect. Shame on you, Shizu-chan. Shame on you."  
>"Right…"<br>"And I have the whole day planned."  
>"Tell."<br>Shizuo was glad to see that Izaya did not seem at all injured but extra bubbly.  
>"Doing nothing the entire day and lazing about wasting time."<br>"Sounds good to me."  
>"Doesn't it? Oh, we can watch daytime TV and laugh greatly at the silliness."<br>"Heh, yeah."  
>"Best date ever or what?"<br>Shizuo held him, careful as not to hurt him. Izaya hugged him back. They remained that way long enough for the feeling to be conveyed without words because for the moment there was no need for them. Shizuo and Izaya needed only each other and that, more than anything, was a precious gift to be enjoyed in wordless peace.

**The End**


End file.
